Hey,

So I saw you Saturday. Such an awkward run in, but not completely considering I had just had a dream about seeing you days before. The crazy part is that all of this just came on…It has been a very long while since I have thought of you, but last Tuesday (when I had that dream), it really struck a chord within me. I wrote it down because it was so powerful and it continued to resonate throughout my entire day. Just a few days later, I saw you. I saw you and I pretended I didn’t because what would I say?

It’s too late now to say all the quick witted comments to make you feel awful, not to mention I hold no feelings of true spite toward you, mainly just a frustration that the way things ended was in no way clean…but more of a dirty trail of misunderstanding and hurt. I truly felt like the more I said to ‘fix’ everything, the more ugly the situation became. I hate that. There is a small part of myself I hate for that and maybe even an itsy bitsy part of you I hate because you didn’t try…you didn’t say anything. That killed me. I would have much rather had a FIGHT, but instead, it was me trying to make amends and peace and reconnect with you. I could never feel you out because it was always me, trying to connect.

I lose a little bit of my breath when I see you and I think I will always wonder what could have happened if things wouldn’t have gone awry so quickly because of the wrong people. I know I will see you around again and I hope this time, I am able to remember what is said and tell you about my beautiful yet humble life. I pray I can be a good listener. I wish you lots of happiness. I’m sorry…I’m not sure what for, but I am. I’m sorry we never got a real chance. I’m sorry you didn’t care and I’m sorry I cared so much at the wrong time. I hope none of this matters to my heart soon because right now, it seems important and it hurts. I don’t feel right texting you, boyfriend or not. I will always feel rejected by you and like I cared far more than you did.

I feel I will never be justified and this entire thing is probably revolving around that fear. I will never regain control of this situation and I will never be able to right my wrongs. That is my fear. How did you gain even a little control over my self esteem and the way I perceive who I am as a lover…as a woman? Our time together was short so why does this still matter? It’s almost as if the less you care, the more craft I became in trying to make you care. Yeah, I understand that that’s what many women do…but that’s not me. I am more confident and headstrong than so many women, yet I did everything in my power (without looking like I gave a damn, of course) to make you notice, make you hope, make you wish for me…to no avail. At least I think to no avail. I guess I will never know which brings me full circle.

I want that justification. I want the control to change what we are. I suppose I am using this as a healing mechanism to remind myself once again that I don’t NEED justification and that some messes are messes and that’s where they start and end. There is no fixing, there is no cavalier conversation to smooth every wrinkle out. There is nothing. I move on. I accept it for what it is. I love myself and figure out how to love myself in the form of counting my sweet, sweet blessings instead of wishing and hoping for something that I barely know or understand. That is where I’m at. I will leave our not beautiful mess where it lies and try my best, with lots of grace, not to mentally go back there only to end up where I am in this exact moment. The understanding that I have come to so many times before. My best to you, friend. Be blessed and go the way you wish to go. You will always have a little bit of my heart. xo