I wonder if you’ll even read this. I wonder if you’ll experience dread while reading the return address… maybe I’ll leave that blank so you can postpone your dread until you read my signature.
I imagine you don’t get many letters. No offense. I just imagine nobody gets many letters, and I wish we lived in a time when people wrote letters. Even if I leave the return address blank, I wonder if you’ll know….
So I turned 29 the other day, and you didn’t call. I knew you wouldn’t. Believe me, I remember what happened on your birthday, and I knew you wouldn’t. I mostly just want to explain that although explaining it ruins the intent, and if you don’t care that’s fine.
First, I truly didn’t consciously know it was your birthday when I called. I don’t doubt that I knew it somewhere in the recesses of my mind. I think there was an element of wanting to save you from me. I know that’s dramatic, but so am I so do with that what you will.
I just felt like we were in this weird, fucked up thing where we couldn’t be together but we were still talking and I felt like we couldn’t really move on while we were still speaking. Last October, I went to this Halloween party and I called you after. The way you talked to me… I don’t know. I felt like you were trying to hurt me a little, and I don’t blame you at all. I deserve it.
So now, it’s been nearly a year since we’ve spoken which is weird. I wonder about you all the time. And I wonder if you think about me or if it worked. Maybe I did free you from me that night.
And I wonder if you hate me. I wouldn’t blame you for it, and I pretty much designed it so you would.
The thing is, I thought I wanted all of these things then. Status, money, a glamorous life. You are none of those things.
I gotten a glimpse into that kind of life, and now I know that I just want simple things. Love, family, happiness. You could have given me all of those things, and I’m sorry I was always too stupid to know it.
I hope this finds you well and happy. I hope you feel nothing but bitter- sweetness when you see my name, not hatred or anger. I could never feel those things about you, no matter what. You taught me about unconditional love, and I will always love you unconditionally.