Lost One,

I loved you.

Then I hated you. At first not at all. Then just a little. Then more. Then largely. Until finally, by Tuesday, I hated you wholly. Unapologetically. With every atom composing my skin, bone, blood and tissue.

I wished upon you terrible things.

But then God sent for me, just a few hours ago. And I was lead back to a place of prayer and power I’d abandoned out of shame.

I went searching for one thing and stumbled upon another. Despite my weaknesses, my turning to you and not Him (my Father) for answers, my sins…He heard my plea for soothing. For help. For an escape from a kind of cancerous hatred unlike any affliction I’ve suffered.

Within minutes God sent ME a word!!!

He sent me – the woman you cheated on, the woman you borrowed from, the woman you mentally and verbally abused, the woman you harbored jealousy toward, the woman you kicked and laughed at when she was at rock bottom, the woman you painted crazy to your friends…Yes! He sent that same ME a word. Because HE deems me worthy of burdens lifted and light shown. Because HE knows and loves my value, beauty, my nurturing nature and open heart.

So powerful, consoling, energizing, quenching, beautiful and cleansing was that word – His treasure for me at the start of this new year! I had no choice but to be restored, humbled, my strength renewed, my faith multiplied in Him who has never and will never do as you have done.

A merciful God He is. And I will never forget Him and the gift He gave me in the depth of my despair. He took me from a pinnacle of hatred to clarity and peace with it. He snatched the deep and torturous tumor formed. So I am faithful, with time, He will take also the precise memories and pain. He is the only one who will! My confidence is in Him, not you! Because my God is the deliverance from evil. He is my protector. He sends His angels to surround me. He fought my battle and defeated your devil! HE is my redeemer! HE is my heart!

Nothing you did to me in these two years compares to what HE is doing for me now and in my future. Not one method of betrayal you used will change how HE plans to use my gifts to change the world. Not even what you took from me financially will come close to what HE will add to me in this month, in this year, in this decade, in this lifetime.

While you knew parts of me, you could never have all of me. And you knew it! Not my body, not my faith, not my family, not my perspective. You didn’t steal my joy. I stupidly gave it up, to a devil who authors confusion and calamity. And as I move forward, I will work to remember peace is not made, but rather exists when we accept that God offers it, paid by His son Jesus, for us. I vow to myself and God, I will work to forgive you – as I realize the same evil spirit to plant my hatred of you also blossoms your demons (with drugs, infidelity, liquor, power).

And as I’m making progress, even in rest…Continue on spinning your wheels to prove to this uncaring world – more specifically, your less than thirty followers – that you are more than what you are. None of it will secure you. None of it will assure you. None of it will cure you. The facts that you’re pushing so hard to prove are only disproved by your everyday actions.

Superficially your situation has changed. You broke up with me and can now be open about your ‘new friend’. You’re moving into yet another borrowed apartment. You’ll have better countertops. You probably have a fresh bag of weed or line of coke! But very shortly, the fleeting nature of the remedies you choose will reveal unto you a persistent aching. Reeling. Suffocating. You distract yourself and out of shame you work to distract others – so they won’t notice what a lost and hurt boy you remain.

Eventually, because I think God loves you…You will be FORCED to confront your infirmities. And when you curl into that ball and want to die, going over your whole young life as a sex addict, a thief, a manipulator, a cheater and an abuser, I have faith God will be there for you. Because HE and only HE can father the fatherless. And mother the motherless. My mistake with you was in trying to do that job. Of giving you what I knew you never had, but needed. But it’s His work! Because your issues are too big for me! They are too big for the current and next girl! I pray that she is wise enough to understand she will not inspire lasting fidelity, drive and respect within you or from you. If she does not understand it, I pray that just like I went to God asking for an intervention and he sent me that vivid and freeing word…I pray that just as swiftly, within minutes, He will allow her to see that you CANNOT be healed, except by God. He will allow her to see that you only use her sexually to validate your unauthentic identity. He will allow her to see that no matter how good her job is, how hard she works and how bored she gets…You are not the answer to her problems! She will NEVER gain from your presence! You and your family and your past and your credit and your disrespect in public forums and EVERYTHING about you at this point – will only add to her misery. I pray sharpened vision for anyone who is to encounter you! But I especially pray it for the women, who you so diligently attempt to charm – with your half-baked enlightenment, your phony sense of style, your masking of confusion as profound philosophy and awareness. I especially pray it for the women, even those who aren’t virgins like me. Even those you cheated with. Even those who are considering you now as a friend. By the grace and power of God I can love them, your whores and all, when just the day before I hated them as well. I can hope today that they get away from you…Because despite what lack of regard you have for women, we AS women are ALL God’s sculptures and models of beauty, life… We are his most prized work, as we culminated the creation of HIS world. So aside from my belief that mistreatment of us is punishable by HIM…I believe she and everyone after and before even me…we all deserve to see you clearly. And I know God will ensure that it come to pass, in HIS timing.

I laugh, because I wonder now about the last month…How could I? Even if I wanted to… ever continue in hating a person who is so void of maturity, progress and manhood.

So keep your 48 Laws of Power, which you so earnestly follow and regurgitate. I’ll stick with the word of God!

I know what season it is for me. It’s now my season for stillness. Because my victory cometh not in the harsh words I used last year to punish you, but in the peace He granted me in the dawn of this new one! I’m so grateful to God that HE saved me! And that by allowing me to endure my experiences with you, I am in affect saved from wasting time with others like you! Oh, great is God! The one who saves us and gives us rest! Hallelujah! You may have uttered the breakup words, but HIS promise and glory broke the bond FOREVER! I have been freed. I have been washed. I have been outfitted with a knowledge new! Thank God for this day and the rest! I know what He has for me and I can shout with joy (and not enough) that the person will NOT be you!!!

GOODbye.