Everyday I look at your Facebook. I look at her profile as well. I try and see if you guys are dating .. Even though you used me I still miss you. Everything about you. Our silly conversations. Every moment we shared. All the good times and the bad times, it is all I have now .. I keep looking at your pictures and old videos because it makes me feel closer to you. Its the only way I can feel you. And I know I shouldn’t even bother.

My heart tells me something different. I know I should forget and move on. Its easier said than done. I wish I could hear you voice, I wish you could tell me that you’ve made a big mistake and that you want to work it out. Its only been over a month. I still see you everywhere, napping, gaming, making silly jokes. I didn’t always tell you how much I appreciated everything. Even though I know now that you were just pretending.

You used me for who knows how long, years? months? What you did to me was worse than everything that happened in my life, I believed you, I didn’t have to pretend, I didn’t have to endure pain or emotional abuse anymore. In the end, you did something worse than that despite knowing every detail, ever dark corner. I would never do that to someone, not even an enemy.

If I was just your safe zone then why hurt me so badly? Why pretend .. Why couldn’t you just grow a pair and leave to be with your ex. You always struggled with it. It was always there in the back of your mind, hidden inside. I know now it was always hard to choose. I have suffered with you, for you .. And you STILL continued lying to me.

Sometimes, I wish I never met you. That I’d rather live with being unhappy. Knowing or believing there isn’t anything good or something better than past relationships, atleast then I’d know someone you truly love wouldn’t take advantage of you. You always said I treated you like an abusive boyfriend (which is not true) but, now I finally see its even worse than bruises ..

You are just like your father. You use people. You take advantage of them. You gave me worse than bruises, how will I cover them up? .. I saw the good and beautiful side of you .. That’s why I held on. Because I knew and I still know there are many great things inside of you, yeah, I know I sound hypocritical and crazy. I hope, when you meet someone one day, that you would never treat her the way you treated me ..

I know most girls would want revenge but I want you to be happy, even if I couldn’t give you that. I tried, I tried too hard. And you saw it and found your solution .. Me .. A great opportunity to help yourself. To milk me dry of every little drop inside of me. If I could go back I’d never would have asked her about you.

You’d know exactly what I’m talking about if you ever had to read this. And I would just erase everything. I’d go back and erase the memory of meeting you in that street .. Maybe I’d be miserable. Atleast I wouldn’t have to deal with all the pain .. I’d feel somewhat normal .. And you would be nothing. Something that was and would never be. You’d probably still be running back to her.

I know I deserve better. Someone honest, loyal and trustworthy .. You made me believe you were all of that. I’d never take you back .. It would be so hard to reject you. I know you would never come back anyway but if you did then I’d say NO, enough is enough .. I wish I used those 5 years to focus on myself instead .. I could have done something with my life instead of helping you .. I’m blurring you into the never because that is where you belong ..