What if I can’t forget you?

What if I can’t forget you?

What if I can’t forget you?

Dear Kurt, well I don’t even know where to start. I’ve written you so many letters on my diary and on my laptop, I’ve even sent you some but I’ve got some things that I can never tell you. I know that if I tell you how I really feel, I’d look like some obsessed girl who’s still immature and knowing that you don’t feel the same would make me feel 10 times worse, and I already feel bad as it is, why would I make myself feel even worse?

It all started on July 26th. We were at a local feist. I had heard about you so much from my best friend Yasmine, she had a huge crush on you for about 3 years that I knew her and I always knew you as ‘Yasmine’s Kurt’ and I used to pick on her often about you. Who knew that some time after I’d be the one whining about you? You had told me that the first time you saw me, you immediately liked me. When I saw you ,to be honest I told Yasmine “Wow, he’s tall! What do you honestly see in him?” At that time she told me that she didn’t really like you, but I found that hard to believe. From that day on, I started going out with this particular group that you were a part of, and one time on Skype we did a group video call and you started picking on me and since you have a younger sister, you told me that her baby doll was our kid and his name was Matthew. I didn’t really take any notice because at that time I had feelings for Fabian, who as you know I had a lot of history with and he hurt me many times in the past, and a bit after you and I met I ended up with him again.

One time we went to Bugibba for Yasmine’s birthday and I remember you feeling down because you saw me with him and you went alone listening to music and I felt sorry for you because although at that time it was too early for me to feel anything and also because I had feelings for Fabian since I knew him before, I still cared for you in spite of everything. A bit after that day I broke up with Fabian and I remember Yasmine telling me that when she told you, you got so excited and you started ‘jumping with joy’ and I realized that you really did like me. Anyways, we started talking often and we used to call each other ‘m8’ and we had a kind of bond that I don’t think I ever had with a guy, even if we were just friends back then. After some time you told me how you felt about me, but it was too early for me to move on from Fabian and I told you my point of view, and after some time Mikaela had told you how much she liked you and you told me that you told her yes (for you two to start a relationship) so you could forget me. I remember you telling me that you two kissed under fireworks and it hurt. I didn’t know why but it just hurt and you noticed.

I ended up crying myself to sleep that night and telling you how I really feel, which was selfish of me because I shouldn’t have gotten between you too, but you ended up telling her that you better break up because summer was over or whatever your excuse was. I remember you telling me that she cut your name on her wrist with her compass and I felt so much guilt, I ended up crying and you never really seemed that concerned about her, which was very odd. Some more time passed, we were so close. We used to stay up late till 6 in the morning with non-stop conversations and you knew literally everything about me, and I knew it was rare for you to open up to someone, and I felt special when you used to tell me about your life and about the things that kept you up at night. We had so much in common it was crazy, it was like I found the boy-version of me and I felt so lucky and I trusted you with my eyes closed. You were my best guy friend and I was falling quite hard for you. You knew things that I had never told a soul, not even my best friends. We used to say that we were married and that we had a family. Two kids; Ismael and Quinn with our own dog Lenny (named after John Lennon of course) who was imagined as a husky breed. I had already come to your house many times and I met your parents, but obviously as friends and Yasmine always came with me because she knew your family well since she lived in the same city as you. I remember you getting your sister’s guitar and you ‘fake played’ me some songs and it was literally the sweetest thing ever.

After 6 months we ended up in a relationship. It was the 26th of December and we were at a particular place and you put your arm around me for the first time, and we both knew that we had feelings for each other so we just came up with the idea that we were together I guess. I remember getting butterflies each time I saw you. I had never, ever felt so many butterflies in my life and you made me happy in ways no one ever could. I was going through a bad time in my life when we met, and I needed someone in my life and you fit perfectly and I guess that made me fall for you even more. The thing is that we were both shy. Most of the time you had to drink to get the courage to cuddle with me in front of everyone and I saw that as kind of a bad thing because I wanted the best for you and if that means drinking just to get some courage with me then I didn’t want that. I think the only thing I regret is that I never had the chance to taste and feel your lips. I guess it’s true when they say that the things you end up regretting is the things we don’t do.

One time Charlo had made a group conversation between us so you’d ask me out properly, and to joke around you asked me to marry you and I said yes, and we planned to have our first kiss on New Year’s Eve at Valletta, but it never came through because we ended up going home early because your friends got bored. That night I just cried and cried, and it was the first time I self-harmed. I felt so alone, so hurt. You then called me on Skype and I heard you tell your brother “I lost the most important thing in my life” and that changed my mood completely. I’m not sure that I ever told you that I heard you that night. I remember the first day we held hands. It was so random but I remember feeling so happy, and I haven’t felt that happy for too long now.

The memory that still keeps me up at night was the night that I told you I self-harmed. You were so shocked, and you told me that if I ever did it again you’d self-harm as well. I ended up doing it again and I told you because you noticed something was wrong. You kept your promise and not once but twice. The first time you showed me a picture of your wrist on Skype and I cried so much I thought my heart was going to beat out of my chest. The second time you got a razor and you did it right in front of me. I felt my heart shatter into pieces because I knew it was my fault.

Some more time passed and the problems started. You had liked Janice before you knew me, and you kept contact with her while we were together, and obviously I felt a bit jealous because I wanted you all to myself. One of the things you did that hurt me most was in Therese’s birthday party, you know she’s her best friend and she didn’t invite me on purpose? So she could try and fix you two up? I don’t know. Some days before we found out that Therese was saying things about us behind our back because of our age difference (which was only 2 years and a half) That night my friends told me that you danced with Janice and it broke my heart. I sent you a message and you didn’t even respond which made everything worse obviously, and I actually started to believe them but you convinced me in some way that they were wrong. Till this day I don’t know what happened. I know it was just a dance but since I wasn’t invited and you were drunk everything seemed bigger in my head than it really was.

On the 12th of February 2013 we broke up. The age difference “was affecting you”. I didn’t believe you. My mind kept telling me that it was because you got bored of me, even though you promised me you wouldn’t and you knew I was weak for love, but you still didn’t keep your promises. We had been fighting for those past two weeks but I guess you had enough. That night I just cried and cried and cried; so much that I didn’t go to school the day after. I thought we’d at least be friends but the truth is I didn’t want that. I fell for you and I knew it would be almost impossible for me to forget the person who was my last hope. Two days after our break-up you started getting questions on ask.fm about Janice and you instantly gave the hint that you liked her. I felt my insides hurt. I didn’t feel just emotional pain but also physical pain. I got so depressed the few months after our break-up. I used to cry myself to sleep every single night and I literally wanted to die. Seeing you have what you had with me, with her. It broke me. You were the last person I thought that would do that to me. You hurt me in ways I couldn’t even imagine pain would feel like. After some time I heard that you started going out with her and I saw our conversations getting shorter and shorter and all I could do was watch. One day I said enough and I told you to gfy because I was so angry and hurt I couldn’t take it anymore and we didn’t talk for two weeks. It was the first time we spent some time not talking because we used to talk literally everyday. When those two weeks ended you came talking to me because I posted a quote on Facebook that read “But the memories won’t seem to let me go.” You came on chat and you asked me “Are our memories nice or not?” to be honest I was relieved that you talked to me again and I just said “both”. You not knowing how much I cried and how much pain I felt when I noticed you had fallen for her. I also noticed that after you talked to me that day, you lost contact with her, I still don’t know what happened and it’s none of my business anyway.

From then till now we’ve always had a complicated friendship (if you can even call it that). You always make me feel so confused it’s crazy. Last summer you made me feel like you still had feelings for me and when I confronted you with this thing you told me “I was just showing you that I wanted to be good friends with you” and from that time till now you changed completely with me.

I know. I know you have the wish to be a priest. This sounds so crazy even just saying it. Some people don’t even believe me when I say it. I think you always knew. But if you knew, why did you let me fall for you? You knew I would in the end, but you didn’t really care. I guess it’s better knowing that you want to be priest than knowing that you’re with some other girl. But finding this out was like finding out the person you have feelings for is now gay, which means there’s no chance in hell that you’d get back together. So I kind of understand that some feelings are better left unsaid because you’d get more confused about this thing because I know it’s not easy. I forgot to mention. I’m only 14 going on 15. Some would think “You can’t be in love you’re too young”. But I disagree. I think the less you got hurt, the more you love with passion and the more you appreciate some things, and I agree with that. I know that I love you for many reasons. I’ve always put you in front of me, your happiness before mine in every situation and you never really cared. You only saw the part of me that I showed. The “you hurt me so I’m going to stay back”. But the truth is that although it hurt me, I knew that you being a priest would always make you happy than I ever could. You chose the right thing even though it wasn’t me and it kills me saying this. I still think that you were/are my person. We had a connection which is very rare. I always thought us as ‘soul mates’ if they even exist. We always end up talking. Even though if we had a huge fight (which we had so many times I lost count a long time ago). Most time I come saying sorry, but sometimes you come talking to me again, but I’m not sure that you do this because you care about me or just because you know that I’ll always accept it and come running back. It’s been almost two years and no, you haven’t left my mind since the very first day I saw you. I’ve cried about this situation so many times, it’s been the worse year of my life from the day we broke up and no matter what I do, I always seem to come back to you and I can never stay mad at you because I start remembering our memories and how much you used to show me that you care, but I have to keep in mind that it is the past, and I have to notice what you do in the present. Right now? Well, I always end up being the one to start the conversation and to keep it going as well. It makes me feel so vulnerable, so stupid, so annoying and it makes me feel worthless knowing that you don’t even care that I’m trying my hardest so we wouldn’t lose contact. It makes my insides hurt knowing that you don’t even care if we never talk again. You say you care, but you only show your bad side with me. Even saying your names hurts sometimes, when before I felt so happy saying your name and telling my best friends our stories, not my friends are so tired of listening to me complain and cry about this situation, you think they hate you, I’m sorry but I can’t keep certain things inside me and I needed to tell someone because it would’ve literally killed me if I didn’t. But never not once have I ever told them to hate you, how can I when I don’t even hate you myself? I know you’re an amazing person, even though you changed in the complete opposite person, but I guess we did change each other, because I’m still trying to find myself again even though it’s been a year. Sometimes you make me so angry. You show so many mixed feelings it messes with my head and you make me hate myself because you make me thing that I’m not good enough and that no matter what I do it won’t change anything. I’ve told you how much our situation affects me many times, but it doesn’t really seem to make any difference. I’m getting tired. All these stupid games. The way you look at me when you see me, even though you don’t talk to me. The way you know how much things hurt me and you just keep doing these things anyway. Especially that sometimes you sing the songs we claimed as ‘ours’ when we were close. You know these songs quite well: “Stand by you covered by Glee”, “Beneath your beautiful by Labrinth ft. Emile Sande”, “Hero by Enrqiue Eglesias” and “I’ve just seen a face by The Beatles”. Sometimes I can’t even bare to hear these songs when they come up on the radio or they come up on youtube. I don’t want to say goodbye. I know I love you. But I also know that it’s for the best. I tried getting into other relationships, but I know that no one can ever come close to you. In you, I found the perfect person that I wanted in my life. Or at least, the idea of you. Sometimes I think that you really did love me, but other times I’d say that you didn’t, because you don’t destroy the people that you love, or maybe I have the wrong idea, maybe we love someone so much that we don’t notice all the things we say when we’re angry because we’re too caught up in the fact that they’re losing their feelings towards us, but I find the fact that you loved me hard to believe, I mean I’m me. Now you just judge me all the time. In your eyes it seems that everything I do is wrong and it’s like that every chance you get, you want to see me hurt or fall, when a year back you’d do anything possible to see me smile and now it looks like you’d do anything to see me cry.I’m so tired. I’m still so young and I went through so much pain already and it just feels like I’ll never get over it, I’ve tried everything to both get you back and for me to forget you, but nothing seems to work. I can’t wait for the day when I look back at this and laugh and I’ll say “I was so foolish”. I’d be married with a family and a person who really loves me and that would never leave me. But I can’t help to think that you’d change your mind and that person would be you. I shouldn’t think this. You’ve now got your life and I’ve got mine. But I can’t help it, it’s not like I choose to feel this way, because if I had the chance I’d immediately move on and be happy, but it’s the most difficult thing I’ve ever experienced. I have to fight with myself all the time so I can get you out of my mind most times and it really sucks because I feel uncomfortable, even seeing you online on Facebook, knowing that you’re living your life and I’m stuck in this hole that I can’t get out of. I don’t think you really know how I feel, and I don’t think you’re ever going to know I’m sorry. If I do tell you, which is unlikely, I’m sorry as well. Please know that I never wanted to make you feel guilty in any way. I always wanted happiness for you and I still do, even as I said before, if it isn’t with me. Till this day I still can’t believe everything that happened. It’s been two years, which is both a long and short time. I’ve filled diaries and emails about how I feel about you and I never thought I’d feel this way about someone, because I don’t really believe in love that much. But I do believe I loved you, and I probably always will, even just as someone I care about, but yes I will always care, which makes me feel stupid sometimes because I know you don’t show me that you care (if you even do care) but love isn’t always reciprocal, and I don’t think loving someone is about them loving you back, I think it’s about seeing them in a way others don’t, like they’re the perfect person in spite of their imperfections, and even though I say many bad things about you due to my anger, deep inside I know I will always make some kind of excuse about why you do what you do, because in the end I know you’re only human. But why do you do this to me? You know I care about you. You always push me away when I show you that I care, I guess it’s your thing, but please know that when you do that to me it hurts me more than you can imagine, because I trust you in ways I don’t think I would be able to trust anyone else. I write so many long paragraphs when it comes to you. I’ve never made such a fuss about anything in my whole life. I’ve told you once and I’ll say it again, no one can ever take your place in my heart, or at least for now. You showed me how beautiful to be loved my someone is and how complete and whole it makes you feel. You showed me how trusting someone too much is also a bad thing, and that I should be careful on who I tell my secrets to. The thing is I don’t know why we met yet. There isn’t anything special that I actually learned. Maybe that I should be careful? But being careful is boring and life is about taking chances and it’s stupid to stay back just because you’re going to get hurt, because everyone is going to hurt you. And the thing is that I haven’t found anyone who’s even close to the way you mean to me or how much I liked you. Maybe because you’ve been in my heart all this time and I didn’t take some chances, but I also believe in faith and that if someone is meant for me I’d know. I just really hope that you’re happy and that you’ll live a long, healthy, content life. But more than anything, I hope I can do the same, because you don’t really seem to have a problem with it, but in my case it keeps eating me alive. I’ll keep trying to forget you even though it’s the last thing I want to do, but I’ll do it for both our sakes. Remember that I love you, and that whenever you’re feeling lonely or that no one cares, I’m here, and even though I’m not an expert on showing how much I care, I do, more than anything. Take care, stay safe, please.



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