How am I supposed to let go? I keep telling myself it’s a good thing. I dodged a bullet. You were never right for me anyway. Someone who truly loves me wouldn’t want to keep me a secret, wouldn’t arrange to get back with his ex while telling me he wanted to be with me, wouldn’t make excuses for why he’s too busy to see me.

But I always go back to the good times, you know? When you grabbed my hand during the movie. When you told me nothing would ever make you stop loving me. When you used to kiss me when we could steal a moment alone. When you said you wanted to do whatever work you needed to be the man I deserve.

I keep trying to make sense of it. Did you love me, or not? Didn’t you want to be happy with me? You seemed so upset when I said I couldn’t just be friends. If I’m so important to you, you could easily have me in your life. I’ll never understand.

I just have to keep telling myself that our non-relationship always meant more to me than it did to you, and that I deserve to go find someone who will be proud to be with me. I would’ve given you the world, but you didn’t want it.

Well, I wish I could say that I hope you and your ex live happily ever after. Maybe it makes me a bad person, but I hope it crumbles and fails just like it did the last time, and you realize what a mistake you’ve made.

I don’t deserve to live in constant panic that you’re about to leave me. You were so bad for my health. I think you’re bad for everyone’s health. You’ll never be happy because you always choose misery. I’ll be better off without you.

Someday.

But today’s not someday, and today, it just hurts.