Dear New Year’s Eve guy,

Looking back, I can vividly recall the image of you in your colorful spotted jacket with your colorful spotted backpack. I can still feel the awkwardness that arose while saying goodnight and how guilty I felt afterwards lying awake in bed for not repaying the ticket right away, because I was so busy feeling embarrassed by my late arrival and overwhelmed by your heartiness. I still giggle every time when I replay the comical move of you imitating the half-giant from the movie eating a tiny mice.

In moments like these, I believe, I caught a glimpse of your school boy self, although you are already a very very big boy now. And exactly these kind of sweet memories make it hard for me to find truth in what people claimed.

Over time however, as I felt myself liking you more and more but on the contrary the time between our meetings grew longer and longer, the voices in the back of my head crept forward and started tugging at the image I formed of you.

I was warned. I was warned already before we even had the chance to get to know each other. I was recommended to proceed with caution, since you are reputed to be a player with the habit of picking up girls for ONS. Weeks later I was told again to not get involved with you considering your (so-called) inconsiderate and straying nature. It felt like buying a bicycle where the salesperson tells you right away that the front wheel might be faulty, but for some reasons you buy it anyway. Now you are fearing the bicycle to break down every single time you ride it. Therefore proceed with caution. Don’t put too much weight on it. Don’t get too invested. Beware of getting attached, for your own sake. Expect it to fall apart at any time.

I always made sure that my walls were intact while being with you in order to protect myself from hurt like predicted. I tried to keep my emotional distance and face you with a laid-back, nearly buddy-like, attitude.

However, to you I never honestly wanted to be the one-of-the-boys-gal. To you I wanted to be the girl, who would trace down the nearly invisible scar on your right eyebrow with her fingers and ask for the story behind it. I wanted to be the girl, who rubs your back when having a backache and tells you that she likes the faint lines that appear at the corner of your eyes when you smile down at her. And I wanted to be the girl, who pokes you until you turn around so she can cuddle up into your arms before falling asleep, even though you smelled like a chimney that night.

But sadly I turned out to be the one, who restrained herself and stared silently at your back.

Apart from these, most of all I wanted to be the girl, who says ‘I missed you’ after a long period of not seeing each other. During those periods I would look at the photograph of you with two monkeys sitting on your shoulder. This was my absolute favorite. I liked to imagine that that was the way you lost your hair. These evil monkeys simply tore them off!

Yeah, I really did miss you back then. I would have loved to tell you so, if I would have only known how. I was too scared to make a fool out of myself. I was afraid of the rumors being true and you really had your other girl(s) at work or even here in the home town. So why on earth would you waste one single tiny thought on little me?

At this point I would always see the faces of your friends with an ‘I told you so!’ impression and my friends and the reasonable part of my brain with a pitying look, saying ‘You knew right from the start…’.

That’s why I chose to remain silent, although I often had the words on the tip of my tongue or my fingers in our case. Mix this with a sparkle of pride and you can imagine how tightly my lips were sealed.

True to the motto ‘Ignorance is bliss’, I would have preferred to let you walk all over me with your dirty shoes, discover your personality by myself and then see where it goes; to the clear image being stained by people, who were not in the slightest involved in our thing. I would have loved to be granted the opportunity to create my own unbiased opinion on you. Instead of that, however, I was constantly cautiously over-questioning and over-analyzing your every move.

Like advised I was cautious, way too cautious. For in my personal perception you undoubtedly are a sweet, funny, affectionate and thoughtful person.

I want to make clear that I am not intending to deceitfully point my finger at others. I believe that everyone acted in the way they thought was the most appropriate in the situation. Since we were complete strangers at the beginning, purely hypothetical, the possibility could have occurred that, in hindsight, I need to be thankful for their foresight.

So I am ending this letter embracing the lessons I learned and the ‘What Ifs’ left unanswered. There are still so many questions I wish I would have asked, so many words left unsaid and so many places left unvisited.

Maybe I should have told you earlier. Maybe, just maybe, then we wouldn’t have faded in such a casual, inconspicuous way like a sigh quietly melting into the hustling noises of life. But the thrilling yet tricky thing about life is that you only pass every road once, and I am grateful that I passed this one!

Most likely you’ll never read this or maybe you’ll happen to stumble over this one day in the far future, dimly recognize some elements mentioned here and wonder to whom this letter could be addressed to. And maybe I’ll cross your mind for a teeny weeny amount of time.

No matter what, I truly wish you well!! May our paths cross again some day!

P.S.: I genuinely do admire you for your irrepressible sense of humor that could light up every person. In particular I admire how you would always cheerfully laugh away the remarks on your receding hairline or join in the joking yourself.

I hope you will forever keep up your buoyant spirit, no matter where life leads you!