Cycles. A perfect word to describe how the past six months have gone since you broke up with me. Shock. Anger. Sadness. Hope. Rinse. Wash. Repeat.

I never really thought I would fit in to any cliché in terms of post-breakup behavior, but I have to a tee. I have tried to make you notice me (even if by silence), I have slept with other women, and have tried to mask my pain with things that can make me numb such as alcohol. All of these things and getting through these things have been such a learning process that I know will benefit me in the end…in terms of truly finding happiness within myself. But sometimes…sometimes I can’t help but to still love you.

I am moving on not because I want to…but because I have to…I have to to have a chance at happiness. It’s the cycles that take their toll on me. The worst being sadness. When I still feel you were always the one for me, when I just want to call you up and put myself on the line again, when I just plain miss you holding me. I just wish you hadn’t have thrown away something so beautiful. I wish I could have been the one to take care of you for the rest of your life. And then sometimes I feel like I HATE YOU. SOMETIMES I FEEL LIKE I WANT TO TELL YOU HOW MUCH OF A BAD PERSON YOU ARE AND HOW BADLY YOU’VE RUINED MY LIFE! Somedays I smile thinking about the good times we had…and hope that I will have that in the future with someone else. Rinse. Wash. Repeat.

Cycles.

I love and miss you to this day Banner. Be well.