I wish you would have given me a hug

I wish you would have given me a hug

I wish you would have given me a hug

Dear Ib,

I have come to realize that me leaving you had nothing to do with kids, no kids, adoption, no adoption. It actually had everything to do with us.

You pushed me so far away that I truly thought you wanted me to break it off because you didn’t want to do it for yourself. I felt your “being in the relationship” and “not being in the relationship” was so chaotic that I truly didn’t know what you wanted. I wanted to love you, I wanted to show you and I felt like none of that was good enough.

I didn’t really feel like you wanted me as a part of your life. I felt that if it was not done your way, it was not done. Babe, it was your way or no way. Even your proposal was about you “will you still marry me if I say stupid things”. You couldn’t even tell me why you loved me … honey, I needed that.

When I wrote you that letter in Peru and you said “o.k.”, I knew then that our life together would be one with very little communication. I was unhappy hon, I don’t think that I hid that. You knew that … but I was mostly unhappy because I couldn’t openly love you.

I started seeing a therapist in February because I could not cope with the up and down moods. It was driving me crazy and I didn’t know how to love your personality.

I feel like it was 2 people in a relationship that weren’t meant to be. AND that statement makes me so sad because we fell in love and my love for you was so real, so pure, and I really wanted to spend the rest of my life with you.

2 Comments

  1. Alph 6 years ago

    I feel your pain, my friend. I went through similar trauma of someone being part of your life but not actually being there fully. Deciding what is best or simply not caring and then so very slowly being pushed away because she was too much a of a coward to admit the truth.

    It hurts more than words can describe but, at least the way I feel, I’m better off because I prefer the pain to years of torment.

    I wish you well for the future.

    • Noon 6 years ago

      Alph,
      Maybe she did tell you the truth but you weren’t listening. Women, very rarely, just push away or give up without telling you what’s wrong. It’s when they have not been heard and realize that things are never going to change no matter what is said or done. I went to therapy to make sure I wasn’t imagining all of what I was feeling, thinking, and interpreting. I wasn’t and I listened to myself. Although very hard to break it off, it’s actually not cowardly but honest. I wanted to be with Ib forever, fuck I still do, unfortunately I choose to leave since intimacy, communication, and an active life partner is what I need in a relationship. I didn’t care that he didn’t communicate with anyone else but he stopped communicating with me.wanting to communicate with me. Communication is key. Trust is key, he showed me I couldn’t trust him many times through his lies. Leaving Ib was harder than leaving my marriage but I knew the same red flags you have at the beginning are the same you have at the end !
      She was not a coward she did what was best for herself.
      Sorry Ibby … I didn’t trust you but fuck I still love you as clear as the first time I said it. I wish you responded to the email I sent. I still wish you would respond. A part of me feels like we could have worked it out but the other part knows I was imagining things.
      N

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