I want to remember the good times

I want to remember the good times

I want to remember the good times

Some people may ask whether there is a point in writing such a letter – whether there is any value in doing a task that has no true purpose, outcome measure, or even receiving end beyond trying to get something off my chest that has been there in the last year. It has been a long time since the pain, anger, and hurt have numbed and I have since forgiven you for leaving me at a time when I needed you, a time when I acted irrationally because I was scared and insecure, a time when I had just needed a bit longer for you to reassure me that you were going to stay by my side while I sorted through my emotions.

Alas, when I sent that e-mail to you, it did not end the way I had hoped – I am and was a simple person. I thought that honesty and open communication would clear up the air. Now I realize I tried to change you into someone you were not, my wishes were not realistic, and I probably hurt you in the process.

I could write pages and pages about what I went through after, how I hated you, yet loved you at the same time, but all of that is meaningless at this time.

All I feel is important is that I want to remember the happy moments – moments I do cherish to this day because they bring a smile to my face. I am confident to say that I did love you deeply. We can not choose who we end up falling in love with – there is no rhyme or reason, I can’t control how I feel. Every time we were together, despite a short time given the long distance, I was happy – I truly was. I longed to see you, I was willing to do anything to make it work. Now I realize that there is certainly a degree of naivety in all these actions, and perhaps you are right in saying that our personalities are not compatible.

However, it does not change the fact that I was genuinely happy. When I was angry and hurt, I tried to discount those memories and the entire relationship. But I can’t lie to myself – I do care about you and despite whatever happens in the future, I want you to be happy too, whether I am in the picture or not. Although my happiness with you did not come without a price for the turbulent emotions the year after our break-up, I don’t regret our time together and I still want to thank you for giving me a chance to love. It is not easy to give your heart away to someone – to create that level of vulnerability and give someone the power to be able to hurt you. However, I don’t regret the relationship. I wish we had ended things on a better note.

I don’t know what happens after this. I imagine I try to cherish the memories, try to forget your place in my heart, and try to move on. I do not know if I will meet someone else who will make me feel the same way. I just want to feel protected, loved, and respected by someone who will take responsibility and stay by my side when I need them the most. I know I have reflected for the past year and I have changed – I know some of my demands were not fair to you and I am willing to change. Are you willing to change to make this work?

4 Comments

  1. verythinlinebetweenhateandlove 5 years ago

    You need to send that to him. After starting contact But not exactly like that.

  2. Could it really be you..? 5 years ago

    If this was her I would say this to her…

    When I first read this I shed a tear for everything that you have written for I can relate to everything that happened between you & I, even the title for it was your favourite colour. Nothing went right for either of us in the end in so many different ways & yes both of us were at fault for it takes two to tango & neither of us communicated openly & honestly as we are now.

    I am forever sorry for the part I played & for all the nasty things I said which were undeserved & in hindsight it was a reflection of my own emotional trauma that was consuming me for reasons only you would know. I felt & believed you had much internal emotions going on yet in my eyes you wouldn’t let me in or try to understand? That hurt alot & why I became overly attached which only pushed you further away for I saw it coming. I too had so much growning up to do & since then it has been an ongoing journey of self-enlightenment which I wished I embraced years ago, because for the first time I’m happy with who I am & where I’m at in life. You would be proud of who I am now. I have to thank you for that as you were in essence my spiritual guide? Did you know that? We truly do meet people for a reason?

    You were beyond measure & I was lucky to fall in love with a woman who is like no other & to be able to spend those short yet remarkable seasons with you for you made my world shine brighter than the sun itself. I only remember the good times for it was the majority of the time. The rare moments that were bad were due to both of us not being honest to ourselves & each other by saying exactly how we were feeling at the time? Not placating each other till it boiled over? It’s funny the things we learn from heartaches isn’t it?

    When it ended & yes it did end badly for we are both emotional souls & yes I was the one to make things worse than it should’ve been. I couldn’t see why then yet as time past & I accepted & forgave you & I it all became clearer.

    You as I have both more than changed in the last year for we both by the sounds of it have learnt & transformed ourselves into what many people never achieve in life-balance & awareness. For me I feel like I’m alive for the first time in my life & have opened my eyes for the first time.

    I never in a million years thought I would read your last sentence. I would be honoured & more than willing to stand by your side once more as your man for I have never stopped loving you even from afar. It would be a prayer come true. Where do we go from here?

  3. fieldsoflavender 5 years ago

    Thanks for the replies, especially the last one which was very touching to read. Unfortunately I am not the person who you thought wrote this and given that I never received closure, I thought I would at least provide that piece to you. It is nice though to see that sometimes there are universalities amongst even small things despite being anonymous strangers in this world. Since writing this, I have come to terms that it just won’t work between my ex and I and I feel that although I can’t exactly forget him or the good times per say, I am ready to move on – at the end of the day, there is no point in loving someone who doesn’t feel the same way – it is only futile.

    I wish you and everyone else the best of luck in love. Feel reassured that I knew at once it wasn’t my ex not only based on timelines, but the mere fact that he would never ever write anything like that to me. Which actually does speak some volumes of my decision to finally let go.

  4. David 5 years ago

    Thank you for responding dear author. I truly thought it was her by your words yet alas I’m sorry for what you went through & had to endure too. Just for the record I wouldn’t have been able to speak like I did in your letter when it all fell apart back then either for my life crumbled around me partly due to my own mistakes. I hope you realise the man you once loved may have do e the same. It takes time to get clarity & see what truly unfolded without being blind as I was. Her name was Mariana. Thank you author for giving me some closure which I too didn’t fully receive(which once again was my own fault:)

    Many blessings & may all your dreams come true

Leave a reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

*

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.