Dear Ex,

I don’t know if sending this to you won’t cause me more pain, but I know that it is something that I have to do. I can’t even explain to you the amount and the complexity of the emotions I have had over the past month. I have felt distraught, sad, frightened, relieved, excited, happy and confused. I didn’t want it to end. Although, I ask myself, why? We were both miserable, both unhappy and the relationship was never going to work. I realize now how wrong and toxic we are for each other. I have come up with every justifiable reason of why I shouldn’t love you, but regardless I still do. That is the hardest part.

Trying to match up my head to the way that I feel inside has been incredibly difficult. I know now how unhealthy everything was, in many ways I was delusional. Living in delusion of whom I am, who you are and what are relationship really was. It still doesn’t make it any less painful. I know I need to let go and say goodbye and there have been many times I have tried. However, I always end up back in the same place of hurting and fearfulness. It’s like even though it is so painful to hang on to someone who doesn’t love you anymore, I just can’t let go. I can’t let go of the pain. I have no hope that you were going to come back; I know it is done and over. I knew it from the day you said goodbye and maybe that is what is so different this time.

When it happened the first time, I held on to that hope. I held on to the idea of this happy ending. I know that there is no happy ending, not with each other. I absolutely know this and do not want this for either of us. We hurt each other. There was too much pain and ugliness. I always just wanted something that we, together were incapable of having. However, it still doesn’t take away the fact that I loved you. I really did. All I ever wanted was you to be proud of me and see me in a different way than you did. I wanted you to see how much I loved you. I wanted you to see what was in my heart for you. But you couldn’t. You couldn’t see it. You couldn’t see that I wanted the best for you; I wanted you to be happy and feel appreciated.

I wanted you to know that you were the one I wanted. I wanted to make you feel like a lucky man. However, I know that there were many things I just wasn’t capable of and also many things that you weren’t capable of giving me. I didn’t know how to make you happy; I didn’t even know how to make myself happy. I wasn’t the same person I was when we got together. Neither one of us were. But really how could we be? It’s 3 and ½ years later. We aren’t supposed to be. We grew apart and didn’t do the things that could have helped us grow together. But then again there wasn’t anything we could have done, we just weren’t meant for each other. It was never meant to be. So now moving forward we get to take the lessons we have learned into our next chapter, into our next relationships, into the next part of our lives.

As I continue to work on getting past this and all of the healing that involves, just know I am working on forgiving you and forgiving myself. I made a lot of mistakes. You might be past this stuff; you probably don’t hurt as much as I do, if at all. You were preparing for it to end way before I was and you have made it look so easy. And maybe it is for you. Maybe you don’t care at all anymore. Maybe you stopped thinking about me the day it was over. I will never know. I just know what my experience is which has been extremely difficult. Regardless of anything, you will always hold place in my heart.

Each relationship teaches us something. Whether it’s learning what we want or don’t want, who we are or who we don’t want to be. And even if the lesson is what we don’t want or learning who we don’t want to be, it can still be positive. It can help us to get closer to ourselves and what we do want for ourselves. I hope you take the lessons you learned in our relationship of what you don’t want and what you do into your next relationship. I hope that I can too. I know I can’t depend on anyone validating me because it’s not there job. It’s mine. I can’t live down to the expectations that I believe people have of me, whether they are true or not.

There was much to learn in a relationship that was unhealthy as ours was. I remember that last phone call and how scared I was to get off the phone with you because I knew it was for good. As I write this I feel that same feeling of sadness, that same feeling of fearfulness, knowing that this is it. I have to let go now. I have to. I can’t hurt anymore and I can’t live with hate for you in my heart. It’s too much. I have to say goodbye to you in a different way. I have to say goodbye from a place of love, not fear, anger or hurt. Love. Because I do love you, I want the best for you and I really want you to have everything that is going to bring you happiness. Goodbye.