It has been a long time since the last time we talked, but I guess we are beginning to lose the sense of time, at least I am. I am no longer waiting for you to get back, and you do not intend to either. I am not waiting for your apology anymore. I don’t need a lame “I miss you” and I don’t even care if you regret it or not. The choices were made, the bridges were already burnt and though it kills me to admit it, the love was gone. It’s all gone now. And it really hurts bad inside me.

I often stand in front of the mirror and ask myself: “do you miss him?” And I stand there, staring at my own reflection, starring at my own face, trying to find the right answer. Losing you was tough and even tough would be an understatement. You think that the only reason I am hurting that much is because you were the love of my life. Well, it’s true. You were. But that’s not why I was left broken when you decided to move on. To me, and I have already told you that several times, you were my lover, my best friend and family. Yeah, that’s what I used to call you… my family, my babe. You knew how much I loved you and how much you meant to me, and still you were too selfish to stay. All you cared was about your stupid job. Was it that easy for you to walk away? I am a wreck now, I am a mess. But were you expecting any less?

You were the guy that I loved. You have no idea how bad I wished that one day, instead of reaching for my phone to tell you “Good morning dear”, I would reach for the other side of bed instead. I wish you had waited the 6 months I needed to stay for you for a ifetime. I had big dreams, teenage fairytales mostly. And I knew most of it would never come true but for me it was enough to be with you. I still remember one time together so clearly., I remember all of them actually.  When you started to dissapear I knew something was wrong though…something that I couldn’t understand back then but it got crystal clear days later.

I still hate that October night, the 4th of October to be specific. I thought I needed to talk to you. You didn’t seem alright that night, you didn’t answer my calls, my texts or anything. I felt displaced. Sometimes I wish had never asked you what was wrong because the next thing I know, you broke up with me. Simple as that. After a month, you broke up with me because… you THINK you’re too busy with your job to stay with me? Am I supposed to just accept that?

I am not able to neither forgive you nor forget you, you know? And the worst part was breaking up with me when you didn’t tell me I wasn’t going to your sister’s wedding and I found out because your mom told me. You had everything planned and that was the worst thing that could ever happened to me. You might have had excuses, and you have had really valid and rational reasons to go but it does not change the fact that you made a very selfish decision. You chose your happiness over mine; our happiness together. You chose to hurt me. It might be my weakness speaking but I know one thing for sure…I was once too nice to you and I loved you to pieces. And you chose to break my heart and abuse my kindness. Well, today, I chose to punish you. They say if it still hurts, then you still care. Hell yes I do care. You did this to me. You did this to us.

You really thought this was going to end the easy way, didn’t you? You would leave like you have never existed, and it would be just about time for me to get over you so you could fool around with other people without feeling guilty. I heard you already forgave yourself and you have no regrets about what you have done.

You have no idea how many times I have tried to toss it all away, just like you did, and I run as far as I can. And I ran. I ran too fast that I almost flew but the roads have led me back to you…like they always do. I am still full of doubts. And I still cry my silly heart out every now and then.

I still can’t find the way to go back to you and be with you as we were. Loving each other and being happy. I know at the end I’m just angry for everything you did to me but I will forgive you and never forget you. I can’t even imagine what my life will be now that I am walking without you by my side. You were like home to me and now I’m lost.

I wish you could read this letter. I will always love you J.