Kayla Nic(h)ole,

It’s taken me months to be able to say your name, to think about you and not be angry, but that’s the point.  You haunted me for so long, but it wasn’t your fault, it was mine.  I let you exist in the fibers of my soul for far too long.  I believed that if I kept you alive then maybe you would come back.  I think I wanted that to happen for a little while, but the beauty of taking time and space is that I am able to see our relationship for exactly what it was.  I am able to see you for exactly who you are.  I wish I could say that I look back and smile, but I look back and wonder how you could have existed to me as one person when it’s safe to say I never knew who you were at all.

You robbed my soul and the muscle in my chest of so many fucking feelings.  You wiped your hands clean of me and you made it a point to make every hurtful word possible fall out of your mouth.  I am not going to sit here and say I didn’t make a mistake at the end because I did.  I will forever be apologetic about contacting a certain someone, but I will never apologize for the anger you ignited when you continually created unnecessary drama when all I was trying to do was move on by finally choosing to have nothing to do with you.  I think a lot about the way you went out of your way to be spiteful and at this point I just correlate it when your inability to take responsibility for any of the hurt you inflict on other people.  You have never been held accountable for the scars you leave on people and I hope someday you do exactly that.

I could string together hateful words, but I don’t hate anyone, not even you.  Even with our last interaction I did my very best to protect you from a world of people who wanted nothing more than to see you hurt the way you hurt me.  It wouldn’t have done me any good and it wouldn’t have served a purpose.  Whenever I find myself missing you in the slightest, I remember that it was never actually about me.  It was always about the competition, the chase, and the secrets you kept for months.  I could speak my mind about my distaste for her, or for you both as a couple, or for the entire situation, but what time and space has also given me is the ability to finally say this and I hope someday you inhale every single word:

September 26, 2013 will always be the day I met another human and instantly found my home in her heart, even if it wasn’t mutual.  What I have finally forgiven myself for is for loving you so fiercely that it inevitably ended up being far more than you deserved.  I don’t hate myself for it.  I don’t hate myself for being vulnerable.  I don’t hate myself for fighting until you forced me to let go.  I don’t hate myself for the hurt and self-destruction I caused myself when I couldn’t understand your actions and lastly, I don’t hate myself for loving you.  I loved you in a way that I will never love another human.  Isn’t that something?  Thank you.

From the bottom of my heart, “Hayla”, I hope you find someone who looks at you like your magic.  I hope you find someone sees your half moons and knows exactly what your heart is saying even if you can’t say it out loud.  I hope you find someone who loves you so intently, so fiercely, and so unconditionally that it redefines and helps you forgive every person who let you down.  I hope you find someone who holds you at your weakest, who kisses away the salt on your upper lip, and listens to you when you’re brutally honest at 3am.  I hope you find someone who enjoys that you steal all of the covers and hold her toes with your own.  I hope you find someone who has scars but makes it a point to kiss each one of yours to remind you of how far you have come because she knows how far you’re going to go.  I hope you find someone who makes you laugh and laughs at everything you do, even if it’s absolutely ridiculous.  I hope you find someone who loves you enough to pop your pimples and lets you pop hers because she’ll know how happy it makes you.  I hope you find someone who enhances and enriches those three little humans and their lives, and someone who earns their love instantly.  I hope you find someone who pushes you to be better because you have the most amazing fire inside of you and whoever ignites it is undoubtedly who deserves you.  I hope you find someone who gives you the stability you crave because when’re you’re finally ready for it, she’ll change your entire life.  Above all, I hope you find someone who you love more than any words will do justice.  I hope you allow yourself to have almond eyes again and she realizes the moment you share them with her that it’s the real deal.

Although I came up short, you gave me the most important learning in my 25 years of life.  You taught me what a one sided relationship is and how it ends up breaking you into infinite pieces when it’s over.  You taught me that love isn’t a competition and you taught me how to love regardless of circumstance.  I failed so many times when it came to being someone you could love back, but I never wavered because for me it was real and I am humbled by the experience, even through all the horrific moments we shared.  Lastly, you illustrated to me how good my heart actually is and I am so grateful for that.  If I could love you as unconditionally as I did, I can’t imagine how surreal and inexplicable it will be when I finally love the right person with everything I tried to give to you.  Thank you for all the lessons you ever taught me, especially the beautiful ones in the beginning and the unspeakable ones at the end.

Sincerely,

Maggie