Hey.

Can you honestly look at me and not feel anything? No pain, no regret, no nostalgi – nothing? Because I can’t. You know that feeling when you think there’s another step at the end of the stairs but there’s not so instead you experience that tiny heart attack when your feet reach the ground? That’s how I feel when I look at you. Or when I hear your voice, your laugh. Your beautiful, beautiful smile which spreads across your entire face and reveals that otherwise hidden vain in your forehead. It breaks me and I try so hard not to forget the last time I was the reason for that smile.

You’ve always been the one to open up and tell me how you feel. So for once, it’s my turn.

I’m sorry. I know that I did you wrong. The question has never been about however I love you or not, but if I can drop my pride enough to let you know how I’m truly feeling. Even though you gave me all of you: I still put pressure on you. I still wanted you to be better, but baby I swear you are more than enough. I have just never known how to feel. One moment I’m loving you and the next one I’m lingered up in hate. I’ve hated you. But I’ve also never felt so much for anyone as I’ve done for you. I miss you, I do. I even miss fighting with you, crazy enough. Because ever when we were fighting I still had you. I would still talk to you. Now we’re nothing. It kills me to see you every day and never be able to actually see you looking back. Never hold your gaze or make you smile. I want to talk to you, I want to tell you about all the stupid things I’ve done and have you make fun of me. I want you to roll your eyes at me when I talk too much about One Direction. I want you to hug me and carry me when I’m tired of walking. I want you to get mad when I flirt with other guys. I want you to be the first one I tell about my day. I want you to grab my waist and lift me of the ground and I want you to walk me home every night and I want you to fight the rain and come with me on my crazy trips. I just want you. There’s no one else. No one even compares to you and I will never understand how a heart like yours have ever loved someone like me.

I know we both did some things that’s not even worth mentioning, and as per usual I always see the mistakes I’ve made too late. You could say that I’m the definition of “you’ve don’t know got what you’ve gone until it’s gone”. I didn’t appreciate you at all when I actually had you, either of the times. The second time we got back together I had missed you so much, and I swore that I would make up for the mistakes that I did the first time. But I just threw myself back into the same relationship as the tragic one we had the first time and it ended the exact same way. Although I will honestly say that I didn’t want it to end this time. I was happy.

But I didn’t treat you right. All the things I said – or didn’t say. I left your love unanswered and I know that must have teared you apart. I want to apologize for that. I never meant to hurt you. Thing is that I take out all the hate and anger I have for myself out on my beloved ones, and most of the time on you. You never deserved that and what I said was out of order. I do wish that I could go back and change my own mind, but I can’t. You have me all your love and I just gave you a goodbye.

You may not think that I loved you, but the day we broke it off broke me. As soon as you wrote what you wrote I knew that it was over. I didn’t want for it to be; but I didn’t have the guts to tell you that I needed you to stay. I cared to much about my pride so I didn’t fight for you. In the end I just agreed and called it a mutual decision. Truthfully all the love is still there but I have no idea what to do with it now.

I don’t know if I could say “I want you back”. Because we have tried and tried but it never works out. I want you to be with someone who appreciates you the way I’ve never been able to do. And god knows that you would never take me back. But I don’t want to loose you. I don’t what to loose us. As much as it hurts to see you, it hurts so much worse to think about a life without you in it. It wouldn’t be my life if you weren’t in it. Even though all the mess we’ve made and how much we’ve been through, I would never take it back. Put me in the same position two years ago and I would still choose you, over and over. I would never regret that you’ve been mine. Yes, I was a fool to ever doubt the feelings I had for you and I would understand if you chose to never speak to me again. But darling there’s broke pieces of us spread over this entire town.  I I’m in constant fear of how you might somehow disappear before I’ve even told you the truth.

You’re the one that’s always fought for us, so now it’s my time to fight for you. I’m willing to give this a shot and to let you know how much you really mean to me. Without your love, I’m lost. You’ve loved me for all my flaws and quirks. You’ve listened to all my deepest secrets and stood by me in my darkest thoughts. I’m a monster, I don’t recognize my own reflection in the mirror anymore. It’s just a layer of skin which represent me. And I need you. I need you to tell me that it’s going to be ok, and that I’ll always have you. But you’re not here. I still believe that after all the ups and the downs, this thing; you and me, will never be lost. Because you loved me, and I love you and what we had was real.