The Words I Wish I Could Tell You

The Words I Wish I Could Tell You

The Words I Wish I Could Tell You

Hey Sweetie,

     Remember how happy I could make you just by calling you sweetie? Remember how I could tell you anything because I knew that you actually, genuinely cared? Remember how you were my rock and you made  me feel so much better about myself? Remember how patient you were with my insecurities and anxiety problems?

     Remember how you promised me that you’d always care about me and that you’d always be there for me if I needed you or if I simply just wanted you?

     Remember how I needed you and you weren’t there?

      I hurt so bad when you ignored me for over a week. What did I even do wrong? We had such a great weekend together and then all of a sudden you changed your mind? How does that work? You never gave me a real answer. You never gave me closure. I tried to get that closure, sure it was three months later but I tried, I needed it more than  you will ever realize and you never responded. You broke me. You took my self confidence away that I tried SO HARD to get back.

         I don’t care if other boys like me, none of them are you.

         I tried so hard to become a new person, a different girl than I was when I dated you. I started wearing black and I started drinking. I started sneaking out of the house late at night and I don’t regret any of it because I felt free and invincible, the only part of that I regret was that every time I snuck out and was laughing and having fun, I wished you were with me. I wished that I could at least tell you about it.

          You were my first boyfriend and I was your first girlfriend. We didn’t last as long as you promised we would. You told me when you broke up with me that I needed someone that would be there for me for years and not someone who was leaving for college the following year. Remember April when we started dating? You promised me that none of that fucking mattered. You told me that our age difference didn’t matter. You didn’t care if we were two years apart, we would make it work.

         I still have to stop myself from sending you texts at 1 am. It’s been five months and I still miss you. But I’m also SO ANGRY with you. I want to tell you how big of an asshole you are and how much I hate you but I know that you’re not an asshole and I know that I don’t hate you. I hate myself for still having feelings for you.

        I’m not angry with you, I’m angry with myself because I’m still in love with you.

         I wish I meant as much to you as you do to me.

         I wish I could make you happy because you make me happy.

         I’m slowly accepting that you’re happier without me and that we probably won’t get back together. You’ll graduate in June and go off to college and I’ll still have two years of high school left.

         All I’ve ever wanted was for you to be happy, that’s why I spent over a year talking to you about your crushes. That’s why when you had a crush on Sarah I told you to go for it. I just wanted you to be happy. And if you’re happier without me then so be it. At least you’re happy.

            I love you.

Forever and Always,



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