Month 7

I forgot the password to my blog site so I guess I shall ramble on here! Hm. Where to begin? This could be dangerous. So much I want to get off my chest. No one is listening, but sometimes that’s the best time to do so… written in blank notebooks, or talking to the air brushing past your skin as you skip across the sidewalk. Those are the best times. Solitude is my best companion, apparently.

Gosh, I have learned so damn much. Perhaps I can talk about that. June 28, 2014 was the best, and worst day of my life. The worst day of my life, because my heart was ripped out of my chest, and I never realized that I was the one holding the knife the entire time. The best, because, well, I learned a lot about who I am in the past few weeks. I’ve always ignored the saying “Absence makes the heart grow stronger”, and well, I’m really, really starting to believe it.

But let’s skip over to the part where I talk about lessons. I learned a numerous amount of lessons. Truth be told, I was still an immature little kid when we were together. Towards the last days of our relationship, I didn’t know right from left; up from down. I was simply… well, lost. It wasn’t that you had caused that. It was just a part of life, and a part of changing. But we were both changing so drastically and I don’t think we knew what to do with it. We really did just need some space. I was just too damn stubborn to accept that. I felt like I needed you so badly that I didn’t want to let go, not even for a second. And THAT, my dear was unhealthy. Verrrry unhealthy. And I definitely learned all about that over the course of the summer. I didn’t know how to take care of myself, or how to be happy with other things in my life. You were my only source of happiness.

Shortly after we split up, I went completely ape shit. I  used my best friend into a rebound relationship. I experimented with drugs. I got to the point where my tears became numb. I would wake up with swollen eyes and not be able to open them at all because I had cried in my sleep and the dried up tears would stick to my eyelids. I went on random dates with strangers. I tried to erase my love for you. I tried to move on. It only drove me crazier.

Shortly after all of that, I overdosed on my Zoloft, and decided to be treated for my Bipolar Disorder and try a medication. They put me on Lamictal and it literally made the biggest difference in me I have ever seen in my entire life. I actually got up early. I laughed more. I hardly ever cried. I felt like myself again.

It took a while for me to learn that me needing you so badly was unhealthy. I then decided that I needed to really figure out who I was. Because I looked in the mirror and saw nothing. I needed to look inside my built in mirror in my eyes and literally peer inside myself. And that’s exactly what I did. I blocked the entire world out through simply pondering. Hell, I fell apart, but I learned how to put myself back together. I kept a journal. I went to the library almost daily. I would actually go outside and run. I got into filming again. I walked around the woods. I spent more time with my family. I met new friends. I discovered new interests like video games, and painting. Losing you gave me entirely new perspective of life, and of the world. It was like looking through a brand new set of eyes.

Now, through that process of “moving on”, I would be lying if I said I didn’t absolutely fall apart. I cried daily. I swear to God, I probably have permanent bags under my eyes from crying so damn hard. Lol

And yes, I still cried and grieved, but I also learned to not just focus on the good things that happened in our relationship, but the bad and the in between as well.

I used to stalk your social media sites daily. I used to wear my ring because I didn’t want to ever believe that it was over between us. I used to snuggle the hell out of my old little stuffed dog, Buster and just cry. I used to post things constantly out of spite. I used to harass you with messages. I used to write you letters I knew I would never send. I used to play our song on repeat until I finally fell asleep. I used to have nightmares every single night. Things used to trigger me and set me off, like a car that looked like yours. Or a song that reminded me of you. Or a stranger walking past me in a shop that looked like you. Or a faint voice in the distance whispering your name. Or video games. Or foods. Or shows. Everything, really.

That stuff doesn’t bother me anymore. As a matter of fact, I don’t remember the last time I cried about us. This is not a “poor me” post, please oh please don’t take it the wrong way. (If you even do see this sometime in the future).

I tried to date the rebound guy again. I really did try. It just wasn’t right. Nothing felt right. I met a guy recently, who I am currently dating. We have been together for about a month. I really did think I was moving on and that I was happy.

And then last night happened. The most random, sudden, out of the blue thing. Now, the guy lives literally walking distance from you. Truth be told, whenever I hear that damn train, my heart rips a little bit. But I learned to ignore it, haha. Anyway, we went to GameStop to get a Burnout game to play. BurnOut Revenge. We were sitting in his room, screaming at each other racing. Not thinking about anything in particular, and I just sank. I don’t know why, I don’t know how, and I don’t know where the thought came from, but all that went on in my mind was Donkey Kong. And that I would trade anything in the world just to be sitting there playing Donkey Kong with you.

I’ve been extremely distant towards him and I feel so guilty for it, I really do. But all I can seem to think about is you. Not in a “Wah I want you back” way. But just… you. You won’t leave my head, yo.

My parents don’t like him. At all. They don’t like anyone. They often mention you. My whole family misses you. I miss you.

I won’t say I miss us because the past is the past, and we are who we are now. I just wish we could step forward and join this life together. Even if just friends. I would really, really like that, actually. Because, well, you really were, really are, really always will be, my best friend.

I hope you’re doing okay, love. <3



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