I know that there is a strong chance you will never see this letter, but I need to do this for my own sake. I have written something similar to this countless times. I don’t know how else to say what I’ve felt for the past (almost) eight years, and frankly, I’m not even sure where to begin. I guess I’ll start with- I forgive you. It’s taken me longer to finally accept the fact that there will never again be an “us.” And that’s ok. We were both so young when we started out; both around 13, and this continued on until I turned 20. When it finally ended, I remember nights where I felt so low… I honestly saw no point in living, as dramatic as that sounds. You have no idea how much our parting ways affected me. When a 17 year old girl is told she’s loved, she actually believes that just maybe the relationship has a chance. She thinks her relationship is different from the rest because it’s “true love,” when in fact it’s just the opposite; it’s first love. A compelling kind of romance. Almost everyone has believed in this at one point or another.
God knows I loved you. I put my heart, soul, and self into our relationship. You brought out a side of me that I didn’t know I had. We learned from each other and grew in love. You taught me how to love. You taught me so much about life and friendship, and yourself. You showed me happiness and reintroduced me to my love of music. But, you also taught me something else. You taught me that people change- even when you don’t want them to.
You’ve recently changed into someone that I don’t know. The “you” I once loved was passionate about life, caring, respectful and beautiful in my eyes. That curly headed kid, with his 20 inch smile that had the ability to make my heart skip a beat. That boy who actually cared about my feelings, who looked at me in a way no one else could; you had such innocence, and spoke with your heart. I know I wasn’t exactly perfect, but I loved you as best as I could. The “you” I loved is gone. That boy I shared so many memories with (each other’s first kiss, first love, first everything…) is now a stranger. What I wanted and what you wanted were two different things. I could’ve loved you forever; I would’ve. But we didn’t fit in each other’s plans.
As the years passed and I grew older, I noticed a pattern. You find someone new, and then come back out of fear; loneliness; comfort; familiarity; because we were all we knew for so long. And every single time, I allowed you to return. Like when you found out I was leaving our home state two years ago. You called and told me how you couldn’t have me leaving without knowing how you felt. I met with you in the park the next day and you answered the one question I needed to know- why things ended. You didn’t want me to wait for you (the perks of being an older woman by a year) and wonder what if. You wanted me to experience things that I wouldn’t be able to do if I stayed. You didn’t want me to regret waiting and didn’t want us to resent each other. We spoke about what occurred during our lost time and our latest accomplishments. We forgot about the world and talked about life for what seemed like hours. As I sat on the merry-go-round, you spoke with sincerity and pushed me slowly and gave me the small piece of closure I needed. But when it came time to part ways, I felt this sting in the pit of my stomach- it was like losing you all over again. We shook hands, and caught each other’s glance. I looked into your eyes; holding back your tears. I pull you in for what would be our last embrace and I’m reminded of everything I had once forgotten. You gave me this sense of sanctifying completion. We cried in each other’s arms and I whispered that you were my best friend. Through the tears you responded with “and you were mine.” Although I wanted nothing more than to stay, I kissed your cheek and left. You were mine again for that small moment. That was the last time we ever spoke.
Hearing about you hurts, but not like it used to. Letting you go is and was honestly the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do. Its years of memories that I still carry with me. But out of all this, I did gain something- motivation, determination, and inspiration. All the hurt has pushed me to start over. I was so busy trying to keep us from falling apart that I forgot to worry about myself. I’m starting a new chapter. Yes, I’ll miss you, but I can’t wait for you anymore. I’m done caring about your actions. I’m done hurting myself over nothing. It’s over. And I must accept that. For me, you will always be my first love. That is not something that is easily forgotten. You were the sun of my day and star of my night. You were every song I had come to love… I am not mad and I am not bitter anymore. Instead, I wish you only the best and every happiness. You have a special place in my heart.
This is finally goodbye.