I reluctantly accept, but reserve the right to keep loving you.

I reluctantly accept, but reserve the right to keep loving you.

I reluctantly accept, but reserve the right to keep loving you.

Dear Amber,

It has taken me a long time to process and eventually accept the idea of the end of our relationship. I just want to apologize for any inappropriate behavior, or for coming across as needy or desperate, before or after the breakup. Hopefully you understand that it’s a pretty common and natural reaction to losing something held valuable.

I’ve thought a lot about our relationship, and the complete system shock of the past few months has actually forced me into some important realizations about myself. I often acted through some really deeply seeded insecurities that wore on our relationship and didn’t allow me to be as present with you, not as in touch with your needs and desires as I could have been. I wasn’t taking the time to work on myself during the relationship that I should have been, but now I have the opportunity to  finally get down to business.  

In that way I have to be grateful to you. You saw that we both needed some time and space to grow into ourselves as individuals. I accept and understand your choice. I think I might even agree that it was the right choice. This has been a period of great growth and discovery for me. I hope it has been for you too. I’d love a chance to talk to you about some of the exciting stuff happening in my life now, but I think that time hasn’t come yet. We both still need more time.

Regardless of what has happened until now (and how you feel about me anymore), I just want you to know how thankful I am for the time we shared together. Truly, some of the happiest moments of my life came directly from a feeling of true connection with you.

The first time we said “I love you” I felt so naked and vulnerable. I was afraid to say it and got bashful because I knew what it meant. It meant I was in your hands. I had decided I was going all in, and it was scary to know that I would be that vulnerable but it felt so right.

In Turks & Caicos, floating on the rhythm of the waves, the ocean breeze blowing through your hair, you were the most beautiful thing I had ever seen and I could not have loved you more. My heart was overflowing and it felt absolutely natural. In that moment, I wanted you forever. Finding you felt like a miracle akin to finding a particular grain of sand on the beach.

For every moment big and small, for every time you fell asleep drooling on my chest, for every incredible adventure and shared experience, for every mundane trip to the grocery store or evening spent doing laundry, for every single beautiful smile you let me put on your face, I thank you from the bottom of my heart.

But that was a former life. What’s past is past and I’ll be moving on into new adventures now. I just want you to know I feel so fortunate to have been a part of something so special. Not everyone gets the opportunity to experience the depths of love as we have. The connection we shared made me a better man, and there’s no way to thank you enough for that. I dearly treasure our memories together, and they will help me become an even more fully realized human being as I forge on into the bright new futures I’m planning for myself.

Sincerely yours,


1 Comment

  1. Tamara 1 year ago

    That was beautiful. I hope you have wonderful adventures, Jacob. I hope someday I can be as mentally healthy as you are in this letter.

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