You know who you are. You left abruptly a week ago. I was blind and I didn’t see it coming. But it happened and that’s okay. I just want to thank you for it, because it really put things into perspective and taught me life’s most important lessons:

– Never give up on yourself.

– Never let go of what you love.

– And never take the little things for granted.

I failed to do all of those while we were together. It was my fault and for that I apologize. We had started a family of adorable dogs and cats. We started talking about marriage. We started talking about kids. And then out of nowhere, I fell off the map we were trying to conquer.

It’s both hard to explain and hard to understand, but I’ll try my best to explain it simply. Last year after we got together I got extremely depressed, but it was not you! I let my addictions get the best of me. I felt my life was falling apart around me. I took you down with me while you stood by my side. I said things I never meant and I took you for granted. I was so lost, but I was scared to tell you. I didn’t want to be weak in front of the woman I was already losing.

People tried to tell me to cool it and people warned me I would regret losing you if you ever did happen to leave me for my actions. I didn’t get help. I didn’t listen to them at the time. But guess what? I am now and our friends words replay in my head every night.

I can’t even fathom what I put you through, but I know how you feel since I’ve known you so long. You’re upset and you feel disappointed you gave it another try after you told yourself that you wouldn’t the last time we tried. You are emotionally vulnerable and feeling insecure about anyone trying to help. You feel as if you can’t trust anyone. The world is crashing down around you even though you are trying to be strong.

But I know you miss me. And I know you love me. You stuck by my side through the darkest period in my life. You put up with my depression and it’s unfortunate side effects for almost a year! How can I not love you? That alone should have showed me that you were the one, and all I can think about now is that you may end up being the one that got away…

The worst part about this is now that I’m actually getting better financially, physically, mentally, and spiritually, you’re unable to trust me. You’re forcing yourself to not give in, because you are scared. You tell yourself I’m only lying again just to get you back. I promised all this before… and I failed to keep those promises.

I just want you to know that a week being apart doesn’t scare me, it’s losing you forever that does. I just pray you can forgive me and in the meantime I don’t lose you to a person similar to the one I am becoming.

We weren’t incompatible. The idea of us isn’t what I love. It’s you that I truly love. I just wasn’t ready. And probably won’t be for a little while longer.

And yes, we’ve been here before. Heck, we’ve been in even worse places… However, neither of us attempted to become stronger while we were here. So let’s do it this time, alright? No matter how hard it may be to believe right now, I am keeping my promise forever. I will end up a better man in the end, but as far as us, all I can do is hope that we end up together happily ever after.

Here’s to you buzz. I’m sorry I didn’t truly realize all of this sooner. For now, it’s just me and our loving animals. They miss you. They love you. And I do too. 🙂

HAJ