You haunt me in my dreams most nights, waking life now is inhabited by your absence that so often feels like presence. Your energy, it flows like you miss me too. Which, I know, you do. That you need distance to recognize that was never our problem. Miscommunication coloured our demise, awkward fragile moments broken in time. Words chewed and spat out wrong, avoidance during emotional conflict instead of resolution like you would offer a dear friend. I love you anyway, for all that you are not.
I long to be near you, someday in a distant future where we might be friends. We’ve tried before, and being near one another, even the simplest of touch, a tender understanding hand on a shoulder during moments of connection or a brief hand touching the others by mistake – it’s always fire. We can’t seem to make it work, yet we can’t resist. you couldn’t make me happy without admitting you had to change parts of yourself. I never wanted you to change. I only wanted you to change how you communicate (or not communicate as you seem to prefer when dealing with emotion).
Yet, you never leave. You never truly let me move on. A week or two passes, you try again. To be friends. But we can’t. Not yet. I’m still haunted by your beautiful face, your porcelain skin, your lips I long to kiss and your eyes, ocean deep and loving always on me. Hypnotized I am and have always been. I knew before we even met, we were meant for the stars. Not of this world.
I wish you didn’t make me feel sad, not good enough, not a priority. I wish you really saw me and chose me. I know that you do in your way. Your subtle passive way of passing through life. But I needed to feel secure. I need you to be real with me, open your hands and hold me close, safe harbor. Yet committing to even the simplest of confirmations, you could only provide ambiguity. I need to learn to forgive you for that, I am so grateful to have met you. always be in my heart. Yours always and never. x