So many things on my mind…

So many things on my mind…

So many things on my mind…
Dear Ralph,
I really don’t understand why I’m doing this and probably I never will. I’ts been such a long time since we ended things, that apparently, there would be no reason to keep holding on to so many feelings. But the truth is: I try. I try every day to move on, to forget, to let go, but it’s impossible. Everytime I try to get you out of my mind, you always find a way to get back in. That is what I hate the most, that I try to forget you and to move on, but everytime you come back to my mind. I haven’t seen you in a long time, but I still think of you. I haven’t talked to you in a long time, but I still remember the sound of your voice. There is no moment or place in where I don’t unexpectedly remember you.

I wish you would be able to see this letter. I still wish, even though I may probably never accept it, that you would read this and feel the same. There’s a part of me that still hopes for you to come back to me. I still sometimes think that you will just randomly walk to my door and ring the bell to say you love me and want me back. But I knoe it won’t happen. I know I have to get used to the idea that you moved on a long time ago, that it was easy for you because you never loved me like I did, that you actually fell in love with another girl the way you never loved me.
I remembered the day you wrote me, a while after we broke up, and told me you liked another girl. I remember you telling me, being honest because we wanted to be friends, but for me it never worked that way. I tried to help with this girl because I wanted to see you happy, because she was my friend and I didn’t want you to know I still had feelings for you. But the truth is that all that time, I never got over you, I wanted you back and I hated myself for not being able to.
Months went by. I still felt the same pain in my heart, the same hurt, the same impotence of not being able to tell you how I felt. Our friendship started to fade, we stopped talking, laughing together, we no longer had anything in common. Then I found out that you guys were over, and that she started ignoring and disliking you. I thought it could be my chance of getting you back, but you were always into her. You still felt for her what I felt for you, what you never felt for me.
I always knew you never loved me. You never fought for me or defended me, like you did for her. You never took me out and risked it all, like you did for her. You never gave me anything meaningful or talked to me all day, like you did for her. You never valued me, like you did her. You never loved me, like I loved you. I could see the difference, I could see that she mattered to you and I never did. She meant something important in your life. You don’t know how much I wished and sometimes still wish, I were her. Because she never appreciated it, she didn’t care for the love you had for her. And I would’ve. I still remember when you talked to me, depressed because she was so dull with you, she didn’t respond to your message. I got so mad because she never cared! And when finally things were over, I saw a chance for me to try again, to make you fall for me, but it never happened.
I remember all the things I went through to fight my feelings, to hide them. I still remember when you accidentally found out that I still liked you and later on I had to tell you that I loved you. Also, I remember the pain I felt at many different times, but if they ever asked me if I’d do it all over again for you, my answer would be yes. Because somewhere in the deepest parts of my heart, I still believe in you and I. I believe we will have our story, our moment even if it takes forever. Because I can’t imagine my future without you in it. Because I’ve been in search of another man who can fulfill me and no one has ever fulfilled me like you did, like ypu still do. I feel like I could sit and wait all alone for as much as it is necessary for you. Only you. I feel like you’re my soulmate. I have always asked myself: if he is really not for me, then why can I not forget him? Why do I feel like this love is forever? Why is it that every time I look at characteristics for my perfect guy I always find myself describing you? Thinking of you. Every. Single. Time.
You are not just my first love. You are my only love. You are the first person that made me feel butterflies and get goosebumps everytime I saw  you. You are the first person that could be in a room full of people, and I could still only see you. You are the first guy I ever fell in love with. My first kiss, my first boyfriend, my first everything. How can I not love you? I feel I will love you for forever. Yes, I still love you. Madly, deeply. No matter how much you could’ve hurt me, I will love you unconditionally. I have realized that.
I try to avoid remembering that you used me, you tricked me, you made me fall into your trap. And I fell for love. I thought our kiss meant the beginning of a new story. Sometimes I wanna think that you never responded for fear of starting again, creating something new together. I just want to believe that you wanted something with me, that you loved me too and you were just too afraid. But everytime, I feel betrayed again and I realize that for you, it was just a kiss.
I would only like to say that you dissapointed me, that you keep doing it until now because I expected so much of you. So many good things. You not only dissapoint me as a lover, but also as a friend. Relationships start by a good friendship, but I feel that I can no longer count on you even for that. I hope that someday you’ll change, that you once again become everything you were in the past and grow to be what God wants from you in the future. I wish for you to be a great man, full of love and joy. I want you to become a successful man, someone that loves what he does, that stand for what is right, and never lets anyone bring him down. I want you to know that I love you, that I always will, that I believe God put you in my life for a reason. A good one. There is no one that I love more than you, and it will be like that at least for a while. I want you to know that you’re always in my heart and that from there, no one will ever take you there. That your spot in there is forever.

1 Comment

  1. Greg 5 years ago

    Emily –

    Please be willing to communicate with me. I read your posting and was very moved by what you had to say…

    Greg

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