Dear Iz,

Studying abroad has been one of the best and worst decisions of my entire life. On one hand, I am getting to experience the world. I’m seeing all these spectacular places in Europe that I will cherish for the rest of my life. However, because I decided to study abroad, I lost my best friend. I lost the person that mattered most to me. You.

We have been through so much with our relationship. It’s always been a issue with timing. The first time we were together, you were head-over-heels for me. I never realized until now how madly in love you were with me. You saw the worst of me and yet still wanted to make things work. Your love scared me. You were my first real relationship and I had no idea how much work and time went into building and maintaining it. I was so worried I was missing out on my college experience that I decided I needed to end what we had in order to be happy again. I had no idea how hard it would be to break up with you. I thought I would get over you in due time. Then a month past. Then another one. And another one. Then the summer past. The entire time I couldn’t stop thinking about you. You were the first thing I thought about in the morning and the last one before I fell asleep. I realized that I made the biggest mistake in my entire life–letting go of someone as amazing of you. I wanted a second chance. No. I NEEDED a second chance.

Junior year came along. This was my chance. I saw you again. Every fiber of my body yearned to be with you. Physically and emotionally. I don’t know why, but I tried to play it all cool. I didn’t want to come across as desperate by telling you that I wanted us to be back together–after all, I was the one who had ended it in the first place. As a result, because I didn’t immediately confess my feelings for you, you met “that” guy. “That” guy is the reason where we stand today.

I tried letting you go. But you mattered too much to me. I thought, in order to respect your decision I needed to study abroad to move on and take my mind off you. You were happy. I had my chance with you and threw it away. But then, the most amazing thing happened. After a month you were together with “that” guy, you came up to me one night at a party to talk to me. It was that night where we stayed up until 4 A.M. and I finally had the courage to tell how I felt about you. How I wasn’t over you. How much I missed you and wanted you back in my life. How much I regretted not fighting for you hard enough.

You were overjoyed. We took things slow. We talked everything over. What worked/what didn’t work last time. What were each other’s strengths and weaknesses. How to be open and honest with each other. Those 3+ months that we had together was the best time of my life. We were finally on the same page. I finally told you that I loved you. I tried becoming that perfect boyfriend that all your friends wish they had. We grew so close to each other during that time. All the incredible experiences that we shared with one another. Nothing could stop us.

Oh wait…I was studying abroad next semester. We both realized how hard it was going to be. But I was a new man. I learned from my mistakes in the past and I was 100% determined to make this work. You told me how we would make it through this semester, and I believed you–with all my heart. But the distance and the time away from each other did not make your heart grow fonder for me. I tried my best to bridge the distance. To be apart of your life. But you started getting more and more distant with me. Until finally, one day you told me that you had hooked up “that” guy again. You told me that time apart from each other made you think that what you felt for me was merely passion and not love–and that you no longer wanted a serious relationship between us.

I don’t hate you. I don’t hate “that” guy. I’m still confused what I feel right now. Mainly sad because I don’t know where the girl who so desperately wanted me back in my life went. What made her suddenly stop loving me? All I know is that things between us aren’t the same anymore. Maybe things will change once I return to the States. Or maybe you end up staying with “that” guy. But, I’m beginning to realize that I probably deserved this. Fate or Karma or whatever needed to even the score.

You were the first love of my life. I don’t care if I don’t have anything to compare our love to. You opened my eyes to a whole new world. You made me happier than any other girl that I have been with. You made me want to become a better person. You have taught me so much: how to selflessly love someone, how to be vulnerable, how to communicate, etc. I still don’t know if I’m ready to admit that it’s over and throw everything away.

I gave you my heart. Honestly, I don’t know if I will ever get it back from you. I wish you the best darling. I hope that you are happy as a result of this. I wish I could take all that pain away from you. I wish I could be there for you right now, because I know none of this would be happening if I were. Even if you have taken back your love for me–I will always love you. I will always care about you. I will always think the world of you. I will always be ready to pick things up where we left off. I love you Iz.

–AKB