I will be surprised if you even read this letter to the end, let alone receive it.
No, rest assured, I am not crazy or anything. I am not even on your radar screen to speak of so there is really nothing for you to worry about and nothing for me to lose. I do not expect or want a reaction from you, I am writing this strictly for myself.
You are probably asking why I am writing to you…several reasons really…but mostly to thank you. I realize that may sound strange so please bear with me a moment and allow me to backtrack a bit.
When you first contacted me last December, I was extremely hesitant about replying to you. What caught me off-guard was how close to the mark you were, in some respects, in your initial assessment of me. That alone impressed me enough to want to meet you. That was before you sent me your public history. I think you are far ahead enough of the curve to understand and appreciate that gratifying feeling of encountering someone who finally understands you. Who finally gets you.
When I actually met you, I immediately understood that you lived, very nearly completely, in the intellect and accessing the deeper parts of you was going to be more difficult than scaling Everest. I also understood that your fundamental essence was benevolent, that at your core, your heart is in the right place, albeit underneath a considerably thick layer of friendliness and accomplishment. What surprised me was that I understood all this about you before we were even seated.
After out initial meeting, I was buzzing (for lack of a better word). No, it was not your résumé (and everything *that* implies), it wasn’t your looks or that formidable brain of yours. It was just you.
It was as if, for a brief period, I was in an inside place of quiet radiance and possibility. It was, essentially, the complete and total absence of fear. I could not be afraid of anything, even when I tried summoning fear. All I experienced was some sort of peaceful certainty, a delicious laughter at the cosmos and what triggered it was you. It was as if something had finally been freed…revealed.
In that time, I understood a few things that I had always suspected, read about but, never truly experienced or felt.
I understood that love is ultimately about silence.
Not a cold, dry, barren, monotonous silence but a silence so deep, resonant and penetrating that you can barely contain yourself in its rich, voluptuous, pulsating presence. I understood that it silences all suspicious questions and gray doubts. It does not grasp. It does not cling. There is no high drama or tumultuous explosions nor is there any need for all that. It just is.
In the beginning, I did not trust the feeling and I honestly was not sure if you were the cause of this shy, serene humming joy or if something else was at work.
When I saw you the second time in —– the feeling returned and as a result, I sent that card under the influence of those feelings and impressions. When you later eventually terminated even the possibility of friendship…I won’t lie and say that it didn’t hurt. It did at the time, it still does but hindsight always gives one 20/20 vision.
For the longest time, I thought that you were the source and object of those feelings. I was mistaken. You were the trigger and what you set off was something that was always there.
This is where I want and need to thank you.
I want to thank you for indirectly and inadvertently teaching me this. Because of you, when the real thing shows up, I will know without hesitation, how to identify it.
There is no real way for me to show my gratitude to you for this “lesson” on discernment except by means of this insignificant, sentimental and no doubt, poorly-written letter.
(Call me slow, but it has taken me a while to figure it out but better late than never, right?)
I apologize for intruding into your very precious time and private space with all this. I am, after all, nothing more than a stranger to you and I don’t mean to be invasive. I know how private and intellectual you are and how comfortably you operate in that milieu. I do fully realize how uncomfortable (and probably angry) you are with someone you do not count in your inner circle, speaking about emotions and deeper issues like this with you as I just have. I apologize in advance for taking these liberties.
It is not exactly easy for me to write this, admit it all to you and then get up the nerve to actually post the letter but this was something I really needed to do.
No doubt, from time to time, you will cross my mind and when you do, it will always be in a gentle place. I promise. I hope you find what you are ultimately looking for if you haven’t found it already.