I found this in my emails…

An old message from you. Odd how that is still there. I’ve been trying to forget you for nearly eight months now. Not an easy task might I say. The email tore my heart apart the moment I saw it. Reminding me of how much we were in love with each other, how much we cared. It talks about what you thought about our most recent assignment in English class: What do you look for in a soul mate? Or something along those lines. You say that after thinking about your future, you realized that you want me in it…. Oh how things have changed. If i recall, she did break it off with me, after nearly an entire year. She later quotes that she wants our relationship  to last well past high school. Ahhhh… the torturous irony.

Nothing seems to work out the exact way you want. I finally finish one of my lifetime goals by traveling to Thailand, all expense free, but lose my one and only. Can’t get everything right. Later on in the email, she states that she is scared of me leaving, and that a long distance relationship will be difficult. I understand that and believe me, I was so incredibly frightened aswell. I didnt want what happened eight months ago to happen.

You know what. Its not both of our faults it happened. I kinda blame myself. Its just rather unlucky too. Here in Thailand, the girls are very nervous, very idk they don’t converse with guys. Like at all. Unless they are gay. And the boys, the boys here are rather dull, as almost every single one of them is in a grade lower than what they should attend. So being me, the new foreigner in school decided to call a couple girls cute just to get them to laugh and get used to me being there. Its honestly a running thing between foreigners and Thai girls to call them beautiful or cute, even if they aren’t. Its just what you gotta do. I did this. All fun and games. I then told some girl over my FACEBOOK acccount that she was cute. BUT LO AND BEHOLD my girlfriend saw and FREAKED.

I understand why she did, her being scared because I am all the way across the world, not with her, not being able to kiss her everyday or tell her goodmorning or goodnight. Or call her kiddo, or the play fights we had, or the most ridiculous things we would say with each other. We were comfortable before, but now I was gone, she got uncomfortable. Idk how to explain it, but if you leave for a year, you’d understand.

So after that incident, we spoke through it, hoping he understood. The next thing happened. I thought for me to completely absorb the culture of Thailand, I would need to only speak with friends back home every weekend. So that I could focus on Thai language (which is fucked) focus on making multiple friends (which is fucked) and visiting multiple locations in Thailand (which I did). She thought in her mind, I was slowly pushing her away. You probably understand why of course. Ever since I called that girl cute over facebook, CUTE OF ALL FUCKING THINGS, she seemed to lose trust in me. What comes next sucks aswell.

Well for me it did, this probably wont make sense to anyone who reads it.

She broke up with me. To make it a long story short; she broke up with me three times. Over the course of around 2 weeks, if I remember correctly. Lots of tears. Lots of pain. Lots of everything. After the third time, I said no more. I couldn’t handle it. It was hard continuing the way we were and it didn’t quite feel the same either as when we were together. I still loved her. More than anything. but i couldn’t handle taking care of her whilst pushing forward in my life on exchange.

I think that is where I fucked up.

I shouldn’t have done that. I guess it could be seen as selfish or self centered. But I didn’t. After two months of broken contact, I crashed. And I crashed HARD. I broke down to her told her I missed and it was wrong of me to do what I did, basically everything and anything to try to get her back. Ughh. I dont like anything after this point. Its all me worrying about whether or not she misses me or whether or not she still cares. It has been like that up until this moment. Right now. It’ll continue to be this way until I return in May. Then I will be scared out of my mind.

Honestly, I’m horrified to return home to see how she feels about me, or if things will work out. I’m scared more than anything. Anything. I’ve also realized what one of my greatest fears are: being hurt. I don’t open up to people often, and if this happens every time I do, I’ll won’t open up to people.

Well shit,

I’ve written on this page multiple times, but never to my avail have I posted anything. I merely use it to release my thoughts and rethink things.

Thats my story.