I miss you. How have you been?

Aside from the unwarranted tear sheds and heartaches that still catch me off guard several times a day, I am doing fine. I’ve been very busy at work, with more and more new tasks piling up my desk each day I walk into the office. Oh, and I’ve bought myself a pair of sneakers. The first time in many years! The day I put them on, I just started to jog and keep myself warm while walking in a local park with my husband, who is still willing to try and fix the marriage with me.

It’s been a month since you ended things with me, and I told my husband about my affair. First off, I would like to apologize to you for the harms that I have brought you by engaging with you intimately when I was not available in any shape or form. I loved you so much, but it’s not enough reason to bring pain to you and my husband by committing adultery. If I had a chance to choose again, I would have opted to pass and be very good friends with you forever or for as long as you needed me in your life.

No, I don’t believe that you have ever actually loved me. It’s probably for the best. Imagine how shitty it would be if you did love me, and we are just never going to talk to each other again for the rest of our lives. I am just really hoping to get over you and put all of this behind. Sometimes I feel ashamed of still missing you…

My rational side knows very well that it’s really a great thing that we are no longer romantically involved. We would never be able to have a life together. Not with the way you would spend your day and night playing video games instead of fighting for your future, which used to be our future as well for a short few months. When I found myself competing with games and other things for your attention, I felt very sad. Then you explained to me, which took me some time to finally get, that I was one of the things that you needed a break from. I was one of the burdens that made you tune to your games for mental escapes. What can I really say? I am sorry, and I am also very sadden by this fact. But it matters not any more, as i no longer take up any of your time, and you don’t have to talk to me anymore at all.

You were my escape though. Up until the day you said goodbye to me both on the phone and in the game that we used to play together in, you are my emotional retreat. Or at the very least, you were supposed to be. The fact of the matter was that you weren’t willing to be that because you had a lot of your own problems as well. Honestly, I felt used and deceited by you. Then I remember how you were having a harsh time in your own life, and maybe you really just got lost and didn’t know what it is that you want in life any more. Who knows? I am curious, but I hope that I’d never find out. To find out anything more than what you’ve already shared with me would mean either that we talk again or that I am digging up on you online. I do not wish for either of these two things to be true. And if I must elaborate, I am worried about the latter one becoming the reality way more than the former. I don’t think you would want to have anything to do with me either.

“Please don’t call my home.” That was the last communication I ever received from you. Granted that I deleted that email account I had been using to email you with a few days later, I am certain that you would be able to find a way to speak to me if you tried. After all, you have my resume at hand, which has my contact info. I was reluctant to give you my private info at first, as you were a stranger living thousands of miles away in another country. I trusted you enough to send you my resume when you wanted to use it to create your own. Then I received yours so that I could help you edit it. I remember seeing a phone number written on it, not knowing whose number it was. Up until you emailed me politely and ask me not to call your home, I was thinking that it was your friends/relatives’ cell phone number. You had told me that you didn’t have a phone number, and I just believed that lol. What a freaking idiot. But then if you think about it, I was so low that I would fall for someone like you. That in itself is pretty self-explaiantory in terms of my level of intelligence at the time.

Why the fuck, after all this time, am I not over you yet? Honestly bro, the sex we had wasn’t that much better than that between my husband and I. But we were sweet and tender. I really enjoyed looking down at your face as I sat on you and saw your bright smile. Sometimes you would giggle a little bit out of enjoyment. It made me feel so happy to see you like that. I am starting to forget that face though. It’s been over two months since we said our goodbye at the airport. You didn’t seem sad all that much, just very tired. Did you really go cry in the bathroom after I got on the plane? I don’t know if I should still believe that or not. I was dying on the plane, with tears just running down my face unstoppably. It felt like my heart was torn into pieces, and all that I wanted to do was to turn around and fly to your town instead. I actually tried when I got to the layover site, but my luggage had already been sent to the next flight. I would have really booked another flight to come and live with you if I had my bags with me. Luckily, I did not.

I was lucky in many ways. I was lucky to have been with you for a short while when life was very miserable and hopeless. Nothing much has changed in terms of my life other than the now occasional emotional outbreaks that my husband would give me because of my affair on top of the other outbreaks that he would have with me on a regular basis. At first I really tried to make him stay with me, but after a month of trying, I feel very lost about what I want in my life. I find myself fantasizing moving to a new city and remain single for a very long time. No dating, no sleeping around, and just build a healthy, radiant life of my own. I also imagine how I would politely turn you down if you showed up in my life later on and how I might be willing to help you out should you need any. Sometimes I would even go so naive to fantasize you proposing to me, and I saying no. Of course these things won’t happen, but they just keep coming to my mind. Eventually, they will stop. I know that because I am over my last ex. So over that when he replied to my one-sentence pm on facebook with a whole paragraph of writeup and a bunch of kisses and loves at the end of the message, I haven’t replied to him for over a week. I don’t mean to be rude, but I just don’t have much to say. I don’t think he still has any feelings for me, but if it was me just 3 or 4 years ago, I would have jumped up and down for his reply. I would probably also be quite upset when he got married and had a kid with his wife. However, I felt nothing but joy for him.

I have made myself a promise to give it a solid year of trying to work things out with my husband. He really loves me, and he is a great person. I also have recently recognized the fact that he has been emotionally abusing me almost from the beginning. I am honestly confused about whether I never loved him or if I lost my feelings of love because of the emotional torments that have been going on over the years. The gentle exchanges that you and I had are things that I really miss about our relationship. It was easy, for the most part for us to get along. Even though we didn’t see eye to eye on a few principles in life, it was very easy to feel happy and joyous around you. But that isn’t a good enough reason for us to be together. I must first feel at ease with being with myself. I really need some time to my own as well.

I know that the day will come when I have no more things to say to you and wouldn’t respond even if you sent me a message. I can’t wait for that day to come. I really have to stop this obsession over you. It’s starting to work, as my heart is aching less frequently each day. and I am glad about that.

There is an option to have this letter sent to you, which I’ve just noticed. No, I don’t want to send this to you. Why bother? I don’t want anything to do with you. I haven’t really said my goodbye to you yet. So I will just do it here.

Good bye, my ex-lover. I wish you well and prosperity in life. Thank you for the experience. I wouldn’t go through this again if there’s another chance, but it wasn’t all negatives either.