Hey my butthole ex,

That year, you broke up with me on May 30. Well, guess what, sucker. 2 days after that, on June 1, my now-fiance asked me out for the first time. Your self-pitying prediction of “every girl who dates me finds her husband after we break up” has come true yet again. Thanks, genie. I’m grateful for that. You really do have a gift!

Now after dating the love of my life and being engaged to him, I would like to tell the world what a shitty boyfriend looks like, and to have other girls and guys like me be on the lookout for scum like you.

1. I was always your lower half, your slave, your girlfriend, but never your equal or your match. Somehow I was either always one step behind or forward — usually the former. Love is when two very different people can be equals with each other. You complement their strengths and weaknesses. I can be strong and yet vulnerable with my fiance. He can be manly and nerdy around me. Together, we are strong. That’s the way it should be.

2. We never had the same interests, and you didn’t bother compromising. We always had to do what you wanted to do, and eat at the places you wanted, and hang out with the people you liked. It was never about me. Just you, you selfish, self-centered prig. Now my fiance and I switch it up — we take turns doing what the other wants to do. That’s real love, jackhole. It’s not one-sided.

3. You made me feel like physical contact and emotional connections were a gift from you, but that I didn’t deserve it, and if I got it I should be incredibly grateful for it. When your family was in town for your graduation, you made me feel like a slut just because I wanted you to hold my hand. My fiance gives me the whole lot: hand-holding, hugging, cuddling, kissing, making out, the whole shebang. He dotes on me. You were a miser with your affection.

4. I always gave you gifts and you knew my love languages; you knew what was important to me. You never gave me a thing. More than that, you never gave me your time or service or anything like that. My fiance isn’t a good gift-giver, but he tries his best — which is what I care about. Oh, and he shows me a million other ways he cares. And for the record, when we broke up, you should have offered at least to return the two-hundred-dollar Star Wars dvd, or make recompense.

5. You always acted like you were the handsomest, best-looking guy in the world. Well, let me point out that you may have a decent face, but you smile like a robot. You’re tall, I give you that, but you’re only 6’2. You may be pretty skinny, but you have a gut. So you’re not a P90X dude. My fiance is 6’4 and yes, he may be a little beefy, but he could snap you in half with his giant hands. He’s a massive guy with many good reasons to be confident — especially one very impressive one, if you know what I mean. He’s got these wowzer blue eyes and a face that’s impossibly more handsome than yours. And his beautiful, awesome personality shines out from his eyes. Your face was like a mannequin’s. No personality at all. You didn’t show emotion, but guess what? It showed.

6. You had all your daddy issues. We are all weak and flawed and we have our own family troubles. Every single one of us. But you didn’t want to work through them. You’d rather talk behind his back and pretend he was the world’s greatest father to his face. Everyone else had to resolve your issues for you. Nope. You’re a grown man. Do it yourself. If my fiance or I have an issue, we handle it. We don’t run and get someone else to do the same.

7. You had yellow fever. Like and get to know a girl for herself and not her race, dumbass.

8. You didn’t bother taking care of me. When I fell off that swing, you just laughed and then put me on a bench and walked away and did your own thing. WTF? I wish my tailbone hadn’t been so bruised then so I could have gotten up and punched you.

9. Have fun with your pilot school. Sure, you wanted to do what you loved and you love to fly. But have fun paying for all that debt. You always expected me to pick up the tab so many times. What a gentleman.

10. When you broke up with me, you did it in the most cowardly way possible. You took me on a date and then drove around a while to get up the nerve to break up with me. And then your reason was that you “just felt like we should be with other people.” Lamest-ass excuse ever, and thanks for polluting the memories of one of my favorite ice cream places.

But that’s okay. You know why? 2 days later I met the most wonderful man of my entire life.

Ladies and gents out there who have just been dumped or who are dealing with exes, I would like to tell you that it’s not the end. It may feel like it, especially when your love has been placed on that one person for so long. But just so you know, the pain will pass. The hurt will ebb away. The sadness will depart. One day you will find the man or woman who will make your heart sing, who will be different and maybe opposite of what you imagined your love to be like, but who will be everything you knew (and also never knew) you wanted and more. He or she will have the base qualities you treasure, or work to gain them. He or she will share your interests and formulate new ones and create new and lasting memories with you. He or she will take you to meet family and friends, will show you off like you’re important to them, who will look at you like you’re the only person in the world. Road trips, ice cream dates, talking on long walks, playing with animals, eating good food (and also badly cooked fare), reading, studying, going on a night out in the town, and more — you’ll have it all. And one day, if marriage is for you two? He or she will go down on one knee and ask for your hand in marriage for as long as you both shall live and hopefully longer.

Don’t give up. Don’t let a temporary stranger keep you from being strong and patient and meeting your forever companion. It will work out in the end. Just dote on yourself today. Eat ice cream. Read that book you’ve put off for a while. Meet a friend for a meal or a drink. Go clubbing at that fancy nightclub downtown. Grab a pal and go window shopping. Cuddle with a puppy. Take it one day at a time — go to work, hang out with friends and family, indulge in your hobbies, take up and learn a new skill, go back to school. Do things and create memories and grow in different ways. Be happy and grow, and I promise, I promise one day you will find that special someone who will come into your life and blow you away in the best ways possible.

He or she is just a blip on the screen of your life. Let your radar keep searching. Your humdinger is closer to you than you think.