Dear 91,
I’ve done this once before, but I’ve a different motive for apologizing this time around. For what I was previously oblivious to. Understanding narcissism better, I better understand my actions to a trained eye. Don’t jump to conclusions regarding my moniker. It’s a character, a kickboxer.
I’ve a soft spot for it, I guess.
It was never my intention to behave as I did, though what I’ve learned gives me a lot to reflect on and look over.
I’ve little doubt you’re doing well, and will continue to do well, with my absence in your life. I’ve no intention of dredging up past promises. I miss you, but I have to be equally considerate of you. I will always care for you, and perhaps the best way I can show that is to stay far away from you. Perhaps from anyone.
I’ve been questioning whether I can have a healthy relationship with someone. If I’m healthy enough mentally. As things stand now I have my doubts. I refuse to ruin someone because I’m lonesome. If I can’t do it right, I won’t do it all.
I may understand things better, but that doesn’t make me myself better. Can I justify my fleeting happiness if it results in the wreckage we became? The wreckage of others prior? I can’t, in good conscience, keep doing this if I know there is something broken in me that causes it.
A good heart betrayed by flawed mental circuitry. I wish you all the best, and, again, thank you for saving my life. You’ve woken me up to many things, of which I am grateful.
Regards,
84
8 Comments
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There’s something I’m confused about, though, and I see this in a lot of letters. What, exactly, do you mean by “fight for me”? Do you mean something along the lines of “No, don’t leave. You can’t leave! I love you!” If so, may I state my case, then you can tell me where I’m wrong?
#1.) You probably heard me say something like “I’d rather you not leave, but if that’s what you really want, I won’t stop you”. This was not from a lack of caring about you. If anything, it was born FROM care for you. The idea was for it not to turn into a giant, yellIng, screaming, door slamming, getting the cops called on us because we’re causing such a ruckus type of thing. The idea was for you to do what you wanted with as little drama involved as possible.
#2.) It was born from thinking of you as my partner, not my property. I never once thought I “owned” you, even though we called each other “mine”. You were always a very unique, independent person, and I never wanted to infringe upon your sense of independence. I can see it being a mistake now, but I didn’t offer solutions to problems I’d bring up, because I didn’t want you to feel boxed in to a solution you weren’t comfortable with.
#3.) I can’t think of a way to “fight for you” that wouldn’t make me into some kind of feckless blaggard. Everything I did was about giving you a choice, giving you equal say in things. If you wanted me to go all caveman, club you over the head, and be like “No, bitch, you’re coming with me, end of story” then it’s good you left, because you were never going to get that from me.
That’s why I showed you that song. It wasn’t saying I didn’t love you. The lyrics were “Want to make your love for me pure? Make it a choice.”I don’t know. What did I do wrong?
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I think you’re exactly right in that a partner is their own person: you can’t make them do anything – it has to be their own choosing
However, when you really love somebody, and the relationship is on the line, it’s hurtful beyond measure when you see what’s perceived as indifference about it.
Just as it’s human nature to fight for your life, it’s surely the same when it comes to losing someone who is ‘your life’ in a sense?
Anyway, I’m no expert, as shown by the fact that I’m here. lol -
Thanks M. I’m far from expert status myself. I get where you’re coming from, and I would be hurt by indifference too. It sucks to think she felt I was indifferent, but it would explain a lot. There was no lack of caring. I guess maybe I was thinking she’d known how strongly I felt. She was my world, and it crumbled in the wake of her absence. I was only thinking of what might make her happy, even at the cost of my own.
I guess none of that translated over. Makes me think I must have screwed up bad if she refuses to talk to me anymore. At least she appears happy now, so…success? I dunno…
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If you float around the net, looking at advice for break ups (like I have been, embarrassingly) it’s full of advice for steps to follow.. “The No Contact Rule” for example.
It all seems so contrived somehow, like mind games.
I think it’s always best to say what you mean and mean what you say..
Most of the letters here contain a strong element of people just not knowing what the hell happened: how someone could love them one day and leave them the next.
People coming here to confess that they didn’t mean half of what was said, that they are holding a secret candle for an ex from years ago.,
It all seems such a waste of valuable time – so much pretending, so much left unsaid.. I dunno what I’m getting at really, I just wanted to vent.
If you love somebody tell them just how much, before its too late and things drift too far to ever get back. -
Things are that far. I’m just having a hard time letting go like I probably should. She’s with someone else now; seems to have been from the moment we broke up. I’m not going to disrespect his honest chance with her. Maybe if she were single it’d be different, but he deserves an honest shot at things as much as anyone.
I apologized to her some months back, and her responses were very much in line with “grey rock” techniques used against narcs. Basically, no emotion. Just flat. I guess that doesn’t give me much hope for any potential future contact, really. I said I was open to future contact, but she hasn’t said a word to me since. I’m interpreting that as her being happy and wanting nothing to do with me. -
And I would have told her how I felt, but, again, she had her new guy at the time. I just feel like its disrespectful to play with the emotions of someone who’s involved with someone else. It wouldn’t be fair to him. Don’t ask why I give a damn about how he feels. I’m very well versed in emotional pain, and I’ve sort of vowed to myself I wouldn’t proliferate it, if at all possible.
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You’re doing the right thing by leaving her alone, I think.. as hard as that is for you.
I’m sure she appreciates that, even if she isn’t willing to make that known.
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Thanks, M.
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