First off, let me start by saying they asked me which category my letter fits into, I tried to but it wouldn’t let me choose more than one. It’s been a month and 2 days, though you would most likely disagree with me on that, but trust me, I know. Even though you may never read this, this is my “closure letter” so to speak. I’m not sure what I’m trying to a chive with this letter, but whatever it is I hope it will make me feel better about everything. 3 years, and in the end we shattered each other’s future plans and each other’s hearts. I am sorry for all of the mistakes I made, and I forgive the ones you made.
Maybe I’m too hard on myself, or maybe it really is all my fault. I know what we had was real, I know I was in love with you, and I know we had a future together. Your family, your dog, your friends and their family, your job, every part of you and your life was my whole life. Maybe it was the wrong timing for us, maybe I was too young and naive for you. I can’t help but to think if we had met sometime in the future we would have worked out. All I can think of is what if’s, and I loose sleep because of it. I can’t drive by your neighborhood anymore, I can’t go the mall into our favorite stores anymore scared I will see you and freeze. I try and go to the gym at a time I don’t think you’ll be there because my heart can’t bare to see how happy you are without me. Reminiscing on how we used to walk in together and everyone knew us, as a couple. Now when I see you at the gym, I just leave with tears in my eyes. By no means is this letter to get you back, nor is it to let you know how miserable I am without you. Because I’m not. My life is good. I’m happy. I have plenty of friends to help me keep my mind off of you. I have a good job, I’m about to start the school of my dreams. That doesn’t mean I can’t go anywhere without you on my mind. They say when couples break up you go through 3 stages: heartbreak, anger, then indifference. However, I seem to be stuck in the heartbreak stage, the grieving stage still. Stuck behind a brick wall staring blankly at it wondering how to get over it. A brick wall that comes crashing down if I touch it. At a loss for words when anybody asks how you are, I just smile and say “he’s good”. Its a lot like being in shock. Knowing it’s for the best but not wanting it to be for the best is the worst possible feeling. We all want what we can’t have I guess, and that’s what scares me. Knowing I’ll never have your smell back on my shirt, knowing I’ll never hear your voice again, knowing I’ll never hear your quirky laugh at me being clumsy, knowing I’ll never see your smiling eyes staring at me from across the room, knowing I’ll never laugh the way I did when you tickled me for hours. I know it will take a very long time for me to readjust to this new lifestyle, from being with you every single day for 3 years, to acting like we don’t even know eachother. Stuck in a small town in limbo going through the same fake routine everyday, without you. Constantly day dreaming, always making up new scenarios in my head as to how it could have been different. How it SHOULD have been different. I dont want to move on, because I know I then can’t look back anymore. I understand you most likely already have, and I’m ok with that. I’m happy for you. Its a miserable feeling but yet beautiful all at the same time. Being so infatuated with someone who completely tore you apart, all while having so many incredible memories with that same person. Maybe that’s the part that kills me. But if anything else, I do know this, you will forever and always have me in the palm of your hand. Im always having regrets that I keep reflecting on, that’ll be the death of me. And for me, that’s the worst part. Knowing that at any point in time you can just walk back into my life and I would let you. No matter what’s going on, where I’m at in my life, my door is always open to you. And I can’t figure out how to close it, nor do I really want to. They say with time it gets easier, but for me it gets harder.