For my dearest Simon,

I’m writing you this letter because I feel like it’s the right thing to do for myself, in order to solidify our story. As I sit in my room contemplating the past year, I am at a loss for words, for you have set my little heart on fire. In the best way that you possibly could, you gave me the entire world. Never before have I felt emotions on such a deep, and infinite spectrum as the ones that you created in me. I have been consumed in the most delicious way by feelings of love, hate, frustration, and sheer wonderment, and everything in between. Simon, you are a hurricane in a storm. Without you even knowing it, you have taught me to look into myself for all of the right answers, to quietly and frequently introspect, and to accept when those answers cannot be found. I’m going to use these lessons to govern the rest of my life, and I hope they bring me so much happiness, and when I do feel happy, I’ll think of you.

I could cry endless buckets of tears knowing that you’ll never be mine, and this ebbing pain might never leave me. But in a way, I hope for it to stay in its corner in my heart, so that I might occasionally pay it a visit when I need to hear your voice inside my head, telling me that I’m going to be okay. And I will be okay, once these tears have dried; you’re going to be the best thing that ever happened to me. You, with your problems piled high on your back, and your demons chasing after you, you’re the one that takes my breath away.

I saw your struggles through a looking glass, and I made sure to try my best to understand what you were, and still are going through. As I watched, I could see something in you that I know you don’t see in yourself; you are by far, the most successful man that I’ve ever met. Your successes lie in every decision that you make, and every thought that goes behind them; those thoughts are filled with a love for everything, and they are what made me fall in love with you, over and over. I want nothing more than for you to carry on being successful, and to work on gaining true contentedness. And when you feel like things aren’t going the way that you planned, you’ll reread this letter and see that I never doubted you for a second, and you’ll get up and become everything that you were born to be. My heart is swollen with pride for you.

In my worst moments of desperation, when everything in my head was upside down, and I had nothing, you held me down and took me into your arms, and for that, I thank you endlessly. The last night that we spent together has helped me more than you ever thought it would. Without it, the feel of your lips against mine, and the beating of our hearts together would not be so vivid in my mind, and darling, I needed for those memories to stay.

I have no idea how to be your friend, but you had best believe that I’m going to try my damned hardest to make this work. I want you to understand that there will be times when I’ll fail, when being a good friend to you is going to hurt me the most. Those are the times when all I’ll want is for you to feel my pain, so I’ll say things that I don’t mean, and I might shut you out in the hope that you’ll hate yourself. When I’m on this destructive path, please never lose hope in me, because those are the moments that I love you the most.

Very few of us go through life with the same people in our lives, a fact that I’ve never handled very well. My heart has always ached far too prematurely at the thought of losing people that are important to me, or at the thought of losing anything at all! This fragile disposition has been for me, both a blessing and a curse, and I wouldn’t lose it for the world. It has meant that I couldn’t possibly numb myself, and hide from the situations that afflict me the most, but I am forced in a way to feel everything. My actions often reflect a treacly sentiment locked somewhere inside of me, they get me into trouble, and cause me to break my own heart. But if they mean that I can let someone else feel what I have inside of me, even for a second, then it’s worth it. I have vowed to always try to remain a steadfast fixture in the lives of those that I love, someone that you can call when you need to smile.

The thought of us just disappearing into nothing fills me with too much pain. So as a sort of ode, I’ve put the words to paper to ensure that they are never forgotten, or just as some proof that they once existed. I’ve always felt that it is better to document the worst, and best moments in life, so that we can look back and understand why things had to be.

I wish I was in your arms tonight

Yours forever,

R