May 21st was when it all began. That was the first day you became apart of my life. May 24th, you said you liked me. Of course I know now that it was all bullshit, but at the time I believed you. And goddamn I was so freaked out, I didn’t know what to do. I didn’t feel the same way. At the time at least. Days passed, texting you became a part of my everyday routine. Beginning of June, that’s when it started. That’s when I knew I liked you. But I told myself not to admit it. You’d ask how I felt everyday yet I could never bring myself to tell you my true feelings. I was so scared of being vulnerable..I’d dream of being with you under the stars in the cold grass. On a blanket, we’d lay and watch the night. Or we’d go on a walk and watch the clouds drift by in silence or observe the trees softly swaying. You told me “Every star represents one reason I love you. But there are too many reasons and not enough stars.” All these cheesy ass lines that I fell for. From the beginning of that summer to the end, I fell deeply in love with you. Despite us going without texting for a week and despite the pain I felt after you got a girlfriend (like right after you said you liked ME), I still felt that way about you. I wished I could be the one hugging you, spending your birthday with you. I’d help you and your girlfriend when you hit a bump in the road. Why? Because I wanted nothing but happiness for you. Even if I was suffering. A month passed, you guys broke up. Then one day, I finally got the guts to tell you I liked you. August 27th, I believe. A Thursday night. Goddamn I was so scared to say my feelings. But even so, a week later we started dating. September 4th, I’ll always remember the day. For that month and 11 days we were together, I felt on top of the world with you. Hugging you felt like home and always has. But inside, I was battling my own demons. Was I still pretty enough, was I annoying, etc. I didn’t wanna lose you. But the signs have always been there since day 1, I just chose to ignore them. We hung out maybe once a week, “if you wanted to.” Never talked on the phone, barely talked at school. Only texted. I only texted first usually. A TEXT RELATIONSHIP. I know right? Not good. Homecoming rolled around, and you asked me in the cheesiest way; “Out of all the fish in the sea, will you go to homecoming with me?” You bought the wrong kind of goldfish, and I never ate them but it was still thoughtful. Of course I said yes, being as head over heels as I was. The night before was the football game and I had to sell food and drinks since I was on student council. You walked around with two random girls and were flirting and laughing with them the whole time and wouldn’t even say hi to me when I walked by. I cried that night. On the night of homecoming, that was when it started to piece together. We went to dinner, and I tried to talk to you, but you spent a lot of the time on your phone. At homecoming, you kept walking away from me a lot. First slow dance. YES!! I was nervous b/c I didn’t know how to dance. But I wanted to b/c it was something special to share with you. We slow danced for maybe 30 seconds, if that ?? You just kinda stopped. Oo and then the best part. You left later in the night. Not the dance, but me. You disappeared to who knows where and just kind of left me hanging. “I Don’t Wanna Miss a Thing” began to play and there I was, standing on the balcony looking over all those dancing when you were no where to be found. In that moment, I truly wanted to cry. And I did a lil. But covered it up when you came and put your arm around me towards the end of the song. After homecoming ended, we sat outside waiting for my dad. You wouldn’t even put your arm around me or hug me to keep me warm. Or hold my hand. You did fucking nothing. The night ended. My dad took you home. I got home and one of my dogs was injured, making my night even worse. I curled up in a ball and cried in my room. I just felt this indescribable feeling of pain and sadness stinging me. 2 days passed, it was wednesday, October 15th, the day of testing. We got to leave early. You wouldn’t text me back. Not for the whole fucking entire day. I texted emily at maybe 6pm or so and was complaining to her how he wouldn’t text me back. So she texted him and OF COURSE HE TEXTED BACK LIKE THAT. Quicker than the snap of a finger. Said he “wasn’t okay.” More shit happened. Basically he told emily he didn’t know if he wanted to be with me anymore. I started crying so hard, I texted him myself after talking to him through emily, yet idk if he knew I saw every bit of their conversation. He just said “I’m sorry.” Said a whole bunch of crap. If he didn’t want to be with me, he should have told me himself. Not through emily. And not over text ?? Like wtf not cool. I bawled my absolutely eyes out that night. I didn’t wanna go to school the next day and see you the twenty million times I did each day. So I didn’t. I stayed home and played sick. You didn’t see me and asked julia where I was and she didn’t know what had happened the night before. And she said “idk why?” And that’s when you broke the news to her that we broke up but in a straight voice. Goddamn my tweets for that whole month were so depressing and obvious. One week after we broke up, you started dating Alex. There was a rumor going around when you and I were dating that yall had hooked up. But I found out the truth of the rumor from someone else. All you told me was there was a rumor going about you and some girl, but not to worry because it wasn’t true. Was it true? No. But you liked her. While we were dating, you had feelings for someone else and led me on. Y’all broke up after less than a week because you weren’t “affectionate” or some shit. Months began to pass, I still saw you every day and I was still heartbroken. Christmas. Then January. I hid my feelings because I didn’t know how to move on nor did I want to move on. We talked a lil but not really. February 21st; we started to talk (more) again. Every frickin’ day. Like we used to. We went to each others basketball games. March came and we were going to get back together. But no, you kept changing your goddamn mind as if how you felt about me was just a mood and it depended on how you felt when you woke up in the morning. 3:30am on Tuesday morning, I completely spilled out my heart to you. But on wednesday, you got your new girlfriend. So we stopped talking once again after we got in a smallish fight. Didn’t talk again until your birthday, June 30th. You and your girlfriend had broken up as of June 3rd after two months together. You repeated the same shit to me, “I miss you,” blah blah blah. I’ll prove to you that I still wanna be with you and that I like you. You didn’t even last for a week. We talked for 4 days and that was it. You just kinda stopped texting. YOU REALLY PROVED IT TO ME !!! We didn’t start again until a few days ago on my birthday. I was going to be mad if you didn’t say anything after all we’d been through together, but you did. And I was happy for that. We talked for less than 2 hours before you fell asleep and woke up the next morning and read my message but didn’t respond. You said the night before that I wasn’t being annoying, yet you never responded. Which you always do. Then the football game on friday came, two days later. I wanted to cry that night too because it was the first football game and I had spent last year’s first football game with you. But that wasn’t really why I was upset. You kept being immature and making me mad by yelling, “Get it,” when I walked by with bryan. Like grow the fuck up. It just made me so mad and depressed. So there you have it, the whole story. But here’s the truth about how I felt and how I feel now.

After spending last night searching in my soul, I discovered something; I still care about you so deeply. And I still love you. But I’m not in love with you anymore. Sometimes I feel like I am, but all that it is I feel are feelings of the pain you have caused me and missing old memories. I held out hope that we would be together again. I didn’t want to move on. But I have now. You and I aren’t compatible anymore in that way. We are at different levels of our life. All I can ever be with you is friends. So please, stop telling me lies. Please stop telling me “I love you to the point where I love you.” Please stop pretending. Please stop steppin on me like I’m nothing to you. I gave you so much, I opened up to you. But you betrayed everything I gave you. My trust, my heart. I’m just a pawn in your game. And I’m done now. I can’t do the same old shit anymore. I’m over it. I can be friends, but idek if that is possible anymore. You caused me so much pain and hurt that I’m finally starting to let go of it all. You never apologized and actually meant it, for anything. But I’m not here to yell at you. I’m here to thank you in a way. You gave me some amazing memories that I will forever cherish. You gave me the opportunity of knowing you inside and out, and I appreciate that. You are truly an amazing person who is kind, funny, and so many great things. But I don’t think you are ready for a relationship. Maybe I’m wrong. But I think you need to find yourself and grow up before you can love. I truly hope you find a love one day that is all the things ours couldn’t be. Treat her right and with all the care and love in the world. I didn’t have any reasons to fall in love with you, I just did. And I’m moving on now and leaving that in my past. Everything happens for a reason. Something good will come out of this. I’m becoming stronger and I know what I deserve. We were meant to spend a few months together, not forever. Deep inside, I always knew it wouldn’t work out. But what kind of a person would I be if I didn’t at least take a chance because I can’t navigate through every opportunity saying excuses like that. Love is truly blind. You deserve love and happiness and someone to treat you right. You were my first love, Zach. I can’t thank you enough for everything. Sometimes I’ll still think of how it used to be, and I’ll remember. I could never forget those memories. But sometimes I let myself forget of you because it’s easier. I know you cared about me at one point, I don’t know if you ever loved me. Only you know your mind and your reasons.

I wish I would told you all this. How I felt, what was on my mind. I wish I would’ve told you how I felt, then and there. Your hugs felt like home. Talking to you brightened my day. Your personality shined through. I loved you with an everlasting love, I truly did. I wished to fall in love with someone so incredible and great. Even though there was little time, I fell for you and got my wish. For that, I’m forever thankful.

It’s been almost one year and I’m better now. I’m 15 years old, as are you, and we still have our whole lives ahead of us to encounter heartbreak and more love. I still have questions, but I can’t hold out for you anymore. Maybe one day, I’ll get my answers. But no matter what, I will always love you, care about you, and do anything for you.
Goodbye Zach.