I know you won’t read this, I know as soon as you see it’s from me you will throw it away, hide me away like you have been for the last god knows how long. I don’t mind. As much as I want you to read this, it’s for me too, I need to know I’ve said what I need to say, for closure. But I also hope that you might learn something about yourself if you do read it, something good.
You forget I know you better than anyone else. I know what you’re too proud to admit; you never feel good enough which is why your ego is so important. People made fun of you at school for having older parents so you acted like the class clown, the big man to boost your ego, to get some attention to make you feel better. You can pretend you didn’t care when they told you your parents shouldn’t have had you but I know you did. You can pretend you didn’t care when your brother moved to Australia but I know you did. You can pretend you didn’t care when your sister didn’t even send you a card on your birthday but again, I know you did.
You are so concentrated on trying to boost your ego that you miss what’s right in front of you. Here’s something I don’t know; I don’t know if you ever loved me like you say you did, I don’t know if you and your new girlfriend will live happily ever after, I don’t know if you will just forget about me and I don’t know if you cut me out of your life because you want to or because you had to.
I bet it feels good when the people at work talk about you together, praise you for buying her flowers or make a joke of the two of you. I really hope it’s nice for you when the novelty wears off and that’s not a dig it’s the truth.
Yes, I’m bitter that you didn’t see what you had right in front of you when you were with me. You never gave me the chance to make you happy, I’d worked so hard through uni so that I could move closer to you, I would think about meeting your family, how I would be there for you after work, how I would have cooked you something made sure you weren’t stressed out. I had so much to give you but you just never let me. But that’s ok, you have to do what’s right for you.
I’m angry that you lied to me, I’m confused as to how you could just forget 5 years. Graduating from uni was the beginning of the rest of our lives to me, we could finally do things properly but all the while you were stringing me along, or that’s what it feels like. You told me we should have children at the same time you were seeing her. Our 5th anniversary I asked you why you didn’t remember, it was because you were seeing her.
I don’t understand how you could do that. I mean I know you wanted to keep me sweet until you got your money back but did you really think that little of me? You know me, you know I can be horrid with my tongue and the words I say when I’m angry but you know I would never have taken your money.
It does upset me that you’re doing all the things with her that I imagined us doing; all the presents I bought your nieces, why do you think I did that? I so wanted to be part of your family and it does hurt that you never asked me when I told you that I could.
I feel like I’ve been made a fool out of. I believed every word you said to me, I was there for you when you missed your brother, when you were getting into college, when you were getting into uni and out of it, when you would complain about your sister and when you lost your favourite cat. I spent my time worrying if you were ok, if you were upset, tired, stressed and all the time you didn’t want me to worry about you at all.
When you stopped talking to me for 3 weeks I was so scared, I thought something had happened because you told me you were ill before that. I cared about you so much and I hope you find that again I really do because although you might deny it, you do need it; you like to feel appreciated and know that you’re loved, you like to feel wanted and I was so worried about our future that I suppose I lost sight of the present and didn’t tell you how I felt enough. But then I wonder if that would have made a difference anyway.
I do regret that we didn’t talk things over and try a last time. I was so ready to commit everything to you. I absolutely hated it when you said you wanted to work full time but I supported you because I knew that was what you wanted to do and you were good at it. I thought if I met your family it wouldn’t matter you worked long hours little did I know what the real reason was.
I wanted to show that you were enough, you didn’t need to go elsewhere to find attention and reassurance because you don’t need your jack the lad bravado. You’ll deny that it’s a bravado I know that but I know you, I know you want to feel like you fit in and that you’re one of the guys. I saw you in your element when you’d had a drink at our party; I’d never seen you like that before because we never went out anywhere like that together and I remember thinking I wish I’d known sooner because I think we’d both been holding back.
I know you probably think I’m some strict, annoying, nagging girl but I’m not, I actually don’t think I ever got to show you the real me. Well, sort of, we had some really funny times and that’s what I’ll miss because we did have a hell of a lot of fun, I don’t remember a time we didn’t laugh when we were around each other.
It sounds stupid but I wish we could have been more honest with each other. I was so wound up in trying to impress you I would clean, (attempt to) cook, pretend I was more innocent than I actually was I suppose. I swear a lot more than you thought, drink a lot more than you thought, go out a lot more than you thought, I’m probably more sexual than you thought too even though that’s so weird to write but I never showed you any of that because I didn’t think you’d like it. But when I saw you at our party I remember thinking, I’ve been such an idiot you didn’t want the miss prim and proper me anyway you’d have liked the real me better and J & S even noticed how different I was around you. I guess it did kind of come out in little comments I would make but I wish I had been more myself. And I wish you had too, because I was so prim and proper than I tried to turn you into that too and that was definitely not what I wanted.
I think we just reached a point where we forgot ourselves, or at least I did. I was so interested in pleasing you I forgot about myself and the more I tried to impress you the more I pushed you away I guess.
I’m just sad that you feel like you have to shut me down completely and pretend I don’t exist. I know that’s best for you and your girlfriend but I will always be left without any closure because we never talked about it properly and you didn’t really end it properly.
I know you told a lot of lies but I genuinely think it’s because you’re too worried about what people think about you. Be you, the person when we first met, the real you, that’s enough for anyone. Don’t do things just for the attention, you know you’re funnier when you’re not trying to be.
I’ll always wonder what it would have been like if we’d have stayed together. I’m not ashamed to admit that. And I know that at the moment you don’t need me or miss me at all but if you ever do, you know I’ll be here because that’s one thing I do pride myself on, if I care about someone I care about them, it doesn’t matter what they do I can’t just switch it off and I’m pretty sure you can’t just switch off 5 years either.
I know you must think I’m trying to ruin things for you but I’m not, I think it’s already clear that I still love you and I will for a long time probably but that doesn’t mean I want to break you both up because I don’t and it doesn’t mean I’m going to sit around fantasising about getting you back 1 day because I won’t do that either.
I wouldn’t have hated you if you’d have just told me, I would have tried to get you back no doubt and I’d have told you I hated you but I couldn’t do that. This is why I’m so confused, you know most of me, you know I would only have wanted whatever was best for you.
As much as I tell myself it should be me with you and as much as I think about all the things I wanted you to know and everything I could give you right now, if you really didn’t want to give that a chance that was your call to make and I hope it was the right choice for you even if I don’t feel like it was.
I know you won’t reply to me but I’m unsure why. I would have just liked maybe a letter like this back to explain things a bit better.
I feel like I don’t know you anymore which is really sad because I thought we could tell each other anything. I feel like you see me as a stranger now but as much as you want to forget me I can’t believe that you would be able to just pretend there’s absolutely nothing between us.
I suppose I just wanted you to know that you can be yourself, don’t change yourself for anyone, you don’t need to do things because other people think you should and always follow your heart but have the courage to be honest.
You are your own person, you don’t need approval from anyone else, you do what makes you happy, truly happy because at the end of the day that’s all that matters. And I don’t mean what makes you most popular or what gives you more ego points, only you know when you’re truly happy and I really hope you find that.
Of course you will think this is some way for me to try and get back with you but it really isn’t, I’m honest enough to admit that I do wish we were still together and I do think we could have been something really good, you know I would have you back without a second thought and that’s not something I’m proud of because I should be strong enough not to do that but you can’t choose who you fall in love with. That’s why I would never want to ruin things for you.
I do feel like you never gave me the chance to be what your new girlfriend is now but that’s life I suppose.
I know I’ve made so many attempts to clear the air between us but you just won’t give me anything back, I hope I still mean something to you so that you consider doing that too but I doubt it.
I hope one day you might realise that I loved you more than I could ever say. You’ll always be Moje to me.