What I Wish I Had Said

What I Wish I Had Said

What I Wish I Had Said

LTME postDear Grayson,

I have so many things I want to say to you. You broke my heart for one. You were my best friend for almost half of my life and in a time that I really needed you to be there for me you told me that you hated me and that I ruined your life. Thanks for that. If you had just come to me in the first place with whatever I did to make you hate me instead of bottling it up, maybe I could have fixed it. Believe it or not, I would have tried to change for you. Because I was in love with you. I still am. I wish I wasn’t. Because the way that you decided to end things was so spectacularly despicable that three months later, I’m still in shock. I’m not even sure if you understood exactly what situation I was in at the time. So let me clear it up for you – I thought I was going to die. I was in a situation where I could have died or been seriously injured and instead being there for me, you decided to kick me while I was down. That was really low. I didn’t get to tell you at the time because of the situation I was in. All I really got to say was ‘I’m sorry’ and ‘goodbye.’ But right now, I am not in a life or death situation. I am not so focused on trying to survive the next hour that I can’t think clearly. So here it is.
Fuck you. No really, you can go fuck yourself. Yes, I love you, but you are a giant bag of dicks. I’m sorry that I wasn’t there for you when I had no idea I needed to be. Maybe if you hadn’t been so damn emotionally repressed I could have known something was wrong with you. And yeah, I know. Pot calling kettle black, but I ALWAYS told you when I had a problem that affected YOU. I might have been a bit hesitant in our relationship but I explained to you exactly why that was. You knew about my past. You knew why I am the way I am. And the fact that you did know and you still chose to end things the way you did tells me one thing: you are a gigantic asshole.
Now don’t get me wrong, I recognize that I made a lot of mistakes in our relationship. I did play games sometimes and I know that was wrong. I wish you would have confronted me about them sooner, maybe it would have made me wake up and realize that I was also being an asshole. But at least I can own up to my mistakes. According to you, however, I’m the only one to blame for our relationship going up in flames. You are just the poor, innocent victim in all of this while I played the Disney villain twirling her fake mustache while you were tied to the tracks. And to that I would like to say, “Yeah fucking right.” It takes two people to make a relationship and two people to break it. And the fact that I didn’t make you see that when I had the chance makes me more sorry than you could ever know. You are going to continue living your life playing the victim, never owning up to your own mistakes and you’re not even going to realize that you are wrong. And I’m never going to get to tell you that you broke my heart, that I still think about you. That everyday I see something I want to tell you about and I go to talk to you and realize that you aren’t there. And that I miss you. I miss swapping music and our crazy talks at three a.m. I miss the way I felt like I could trust you, that you would always have my back. I miss your stupid jokes and your sarcasm. I miss your terrible driving and your crappy jeep. I miss your laugh and your smile. I even miss your family, who I thought for a long time might have one day been my family too. I just miss you.
But, go ahead. Flush nine years down the drain. I can’t stop you if you want nothing to do with me. Just know that you were wrong. I did care. And I’m sorry that you couldn’t see it.
So, I’m going to move on and let you go. Maybe in a while I’ll be able to think about you without wanting to simultaneously cry and break stuff (like your clavicle) and when that day comes, I’ll wish you well. I’m not there yet, but I’ll get there. Until then, at least know that I don’t wish you any harm. It’s not perfect, but it’s all I got. Take it or leave it.

-The girl from the school bus
P.S. I’m keeping the necklace.


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