I’m stuck, it’s been four years since we broke up and I’ve moved on but I still look back more often than I’ll ever admit to. You were my one true love. The first time I saw you I said “That’s the man I’m going to marry”, I was half joking and I never expected anything to happen but it did. We started off as colleagues, then became friends, you were my rock and grew into my world. Those were the happiest seven years of my life. Every day waking up with you, the little messages from you while at work and getting to come home to you at night, we were a team and it was so strong. I have so many amazing memories of the hours we spent talking and laughing, and the future seemed so bright. I didn’t see it coming, I never suspected anything was wrong, I was blind sided and then you were gone. I have this massive hole in my life and my soul. “I have feelings for someone else”, how could I not see that coming…

Seven years of history and a future we both planned, gone. Four years ago you picked up your belongings and I haven’t seen you since, haven’t spoken to you, I don’t know where you are, I never got the time to process things and ask you all the questions that still go through my head. I still don’t know what or when it all went wrong, all I do know is you’re a coward. Even after I found the receipts for the gifts, the hotel reservations you still didn’t admit to doing anything wrong. I don’t know if you thought that saying you didn’t cheat would make things easier for me or for you but I knew the truth, you just didn’t have the guts to admit to it, did I mean so little to you? You were so concerned with saying what I wanted to hear, making it easier to get out the door. I don’t know if I ever really knew you, what was real and what wasn’t, I doubt everything now, you made me doubt myself and the trust I had in people has vanished, you changed me and not for the better, for that I hate you.

You were my soul mate and everything I hoped for but I wasn’t good enough, that’s how you’ve made me feel. I’ll never feel the same way about anyone else, but if you did reappear in my life I could never take you back. I have a new man now and he loves me completely, but he’s not you. I hate that I compare him to you because it’s not fair on him, he has so many traits that are better; honesty, compassion, strength and sensitivity, but he’s not you.

I can’t have you in my life and if I could I wouldn’t, so that leaves me settling for second best as the ‘best’ is not an option. So I’m stuck.