We’ve just reached the three week point, and even though there were some miserably rough patches along the way, I can honestly say that I am starting to feel like my old self again. There are moments when it still feels like I won’t make it through the day; however, with each passing night the sting softens ever so slightly, and I find myself thinking about you one less minute of each day.
My need for answers also fluctuates as time passes. Some days I still want nothing more than to just sit down and have a conversation with you, while other days I feel as if it’s best that I don’t know. Not for the lack of curiosity, but more for my own protection. The first two weeks were so incredibly hard to get through. There were times when all I wanted to do was just give up. I wanted to quit school, I wanted to crawl in a hole, and I wanted to just hide from the torment that was my life; however, this past week has been like a complete one hundred and eighty degrees, and I’m scared that talking to you again would just put me back to square one.
After my little freak out on Monday before Spanish, a voice just appeared in my head that said, so faintly “This is ridiculous. You have more important things to worry about and more important things to do than cry over someone who discarded your hear.” Which is completely true. I wasn’t the one who gave up, you were. I shouldn’t waste my tears on someone who would be willing to allow those tears to flow so heavily. You haven’t once made an effort to reach out. You haven’t attempted to see how I’m holding up. You haven’t done anything that I expected you to do; which while surprising, provides closure in itself.
I gave my everything to you. For three years, I discarded my own wants to make sure that your heart was at rest; however, despite my efforts, you still weren’t content. Which is invigorating because there was nothing I could have done more. If you couldn’t be at ease with the treatment I was giving you, then there really must have been something wrong with you that you weren’t dealing with. I was always considerate of your feelings, your beliefs, and your goals. I ALWAYS had your best interest at heart. I even told you on that heavily emotional night that I would refrain from participating in something that I though was beautiful in order to please you. Not because I wanted to, but because I cared so much about you. I felt as though it was my turn to be selfless; however, despite that year in the middle of our relationship where I was dealing with my own demons, I was pretty selfless through the entirety of our relationship.
You, on the other hand, chose to be selfish in that you left without first working through this as a unit. You failed to make contact after that devastating blow. You crushed all expectations that I had for us, and of you. You really aren’t the man that I thought you were.
Now that isn’t to say that you aren’t a good man. I still stand by my statement in that you are probably one of the best people I have ever met in this word; however your lack of consideration for my feelings during this process have shown me that you are not the best person in this world for me.
I gave you my all, even in the aftermath of our relationship. I contacted your mother and thanked her for everything she had done. I told her how grateful I was for her kindness throughout our relationship, and asked her not to tell you. I did so, only because I wanted to spare your feelings, I didn’t want to upset you. I also wrote you that song, that song that expressed everything I was feeling. I literally gave you every opportunity to reach out; however, your lack of concern just proves my previously stated conclusion.
While I will always love you, I now see that it really is over. I now see that there are deeper routed issues placed within you must learn to deal with, whether it be by yourself or not. I am sorry that it took you so long to understand that no person, but yourself, can make you happy. While I would have been there to help you on your journey, I can respect your wish to do it on your own.
I hope that you find peace with yourself. I hope you understand why it is you feel the way you do. I really do. For this world is cruel enough without the added pressure of hating yourself. No, for if one thing holds true, it’s this. Even if you don’t have a single soul in the world to comfort you, all is still alright if you can be content with your own decisions and being.
As for me, I am learning how to be content again. While I would like to believe that you were just a component of added happiness, I have to take my fair share of blame, for I also took stock in the mentality another could provide joy.
I do not believe other people make you whole. Only you can do that; however, other people can certainly help brighten that wholeness. Which is what I hope to have one day. Someone who can make my day brighter, not someone who is the sun itself.
I conclusion, I hope we can one day meet, two people, both whole, and be content with what has been done. I hope I can sit down and have that face to face talk with you, without the heavy weight of the past polluting the air. I hope that if we see each other on the street that we can look up and smile, instead of bow our heads in fear or shame; however, for the time being I wish only for us to both be okay.
I know I’m making strides, are you?