There is a lot that we went through, but this series of events affected me the most. I feel that everything I talk about sums up the path to where I am now.
I remember the first time I cried in front of her. It was the first time I ever connected to someone on that level my entire life. We shared things about ourselves that no one outside of our families knew. I did not cry because of what was said, instead I cried because I knew that there was someone who loved me and trusted me enough to share anything with me. I was touched by what happened that night, moved even, by how in sync I felt with another human being. That was the first night I truly experienced what love was. I sat there at the end of my driveway thinking to myself that there was no one else in the world that I wanted to share everything with. From that point on we told each other everything, we were each other’s best friends. The feeling this gave me will live on inside of me forever. No matter what occurred long after that night, a part of me is still there because of what happened that night. It changed me as a person, for the better in my eyes.
I remember walking to the tree, grabbing the small box I had ready to go with a small slip of paper that held the poem I had written. She sat on the edge of my bed, giddy with anticipation. Even though she knew what was coming, she never expected for it to hit her the way it did. As I opened the box and began to read the words that she inspired me to write, the moisture was immediately evident. I got about a line and a half into my recitation before I myself choked up. We had talked about spending the rest of our lives together, but nothing prepares you for the emotions you feel when the ceremonial kneeling happens. As she said yes, I became the happiest guy in the world. I never thought in a million years that I would ever even be in a relationship before I met her and here I was asking the girl I loved to marry me. Tears are the only thing that can properly express the emotion we felt that Christmas Eve day.
I remember sinking down into the theatre seat as the credits of Marley and Me ran down the screen, slowly slipping out the back exit when enough people had left already. I am not too embarrassed to be seen crying, but younger me did slightly care about what others thought. Neither of us could stand to stop crying after what we had seen during our Christmas day tradition. Walking through the back halls of ocean walk, I remember stopping and holding her arm to bring her closer to me. What we had just gone through made me feel closer to her than ever. We looked into another’s eyes and she seemed puzzled for a moment, then I told her how much I loved her and a smile appeared on her face. We kissed for a moment, then wiped the tears from our faces, finally finding the way out to the front of the theatre. That night made me want to continue on our tradition for the rest of time, which made me think that my decision to ask her the day before was completely right.
I remember driving toward home thinking there was no way we could end the night hanging out with parents. We went to our secret spot where we would park to get away from the grips of parents’ eyes. Another night of teasing and fun was underway, but there was something different about tonight. The pleasure intensified and temptation was too great to ignore. She looked me in the eyes and said, “I’m ready.” I asked if she was sure and she confirmed. So I went to CVS which was about 2 minutes away (the only store open at the time) and embarrassingly bought a pack of condoms. We drove back to our spot, began getting in the mood again, and eventually it happened. Our bodies melded in the most intimate way for the first time ever. It may have been freezing out, but the passion and warmth of our bodies made it no bother to either of us. After we were done, we looked into each other’s eyes and she began to cry. I instantly took her in my arms and held her close asking if she was okay. She murmured inaudibly about feeling so close to me while the tears poured down her cheeks. I also began to cry as I realized how special the girl I loved was to me and how amazing she made me feel.
I remember time passing, moods changing, priorities being realized. I remember how there were good times and there were horrible times. Nothing is ever perfect, but our road became bumpier and bumpier. I didn’t see cause for alarm, but in the end I guess I had to be wrong on that front. Time apart made the gap grow, and time together could not mend what cuts needed to be healed. Eventually what I once had seemed lost.
I remember getting a call out of the blue and not believing what I heard. How could it have been over like that, without warning, without seeming to have a cause? I was completely lost. Everything that seemed so concrete one second was washing away the next. I tried my best to make up for it, but it was too late. The flowers I bought on the way to talk it out were in the trash the second I shut the door to leave. She wouldn’t even look at me when I knocked on the door after my 2 hour trip. I felt more hopeless the longer I was there. It began with questions of why, jumbled with stuttering and tears. It moved on to a list of reason why I deserved this to happen. A lot of what she said I could deal with, but the major one was not one of them. For her to tell me that she had lost trust in me made my heart sink lower than I thought ever to be possible after I met her over 6 years before. My nose was beet red from the hours I spent sitting next to her while she demeaned me as a person. I thought we were in love and had no idea that all of what she was saying was how she really felt. I was more confused than anything. She told me it was time to leave, and as I walked out the door of her room she handed me the ring I had put on her finger 5 years prior and told me that she would give me back the rest of my stuff when she could.
I remember walking into the room next to hers where my best friend sat silently on his computer. I simply said, “It’s over for good, nothing I can do anymore.” I turned to the door, walked out and got into the car. It took me a while to actually get on the road and drive and even by the time I did I probably was not ready. The music on my playlist seemed to make it all worse but I sang along anyway, not trying to hold back the tears one bit. I’m not even sure how I saw the road with how blurry and dark my vision was. I called one of my friends back at school and told him what happened. He said he would get everyone together and meet me at the bar. Never did I think I would need alcohol to wash away my sorrow but that night was the start of a long strain of nights in which I did.
I remember not knowing what to do anymore, feeling like my life had no purpose after what happened. I would sit in bed and wonder if there was even a reason to get up. My life hit a tail spin that was nearly impossible to get out of. I looked to alcohol and drugs to help numb the pain, but in the end it always came back.
Now I look to the future. I am not broken, but I am not whole. I have learned to deal with everything that happened but part of me still cannot accept it. I wish there was a way I could forget it all, but over 6 years of my life were spent with you. Everyday things remind me of times we had. What I cannot shake one bit is that you couldn’t remember the good times and whenever they enter my mind it makes me even more sad to know that you probably did block them out. I would rather keep all of the bad memories and get rid of all the good ones. In that case I would at least have a chance to fully move on from the hell all of this caused. But I live each day in this hell and I learn to deal with the burn of the flames. I choose to live on, a better person from what has happened. I am now ready to face my mistakes and hopefully fix them. Maybe one day I will be able to say that I have completely moved on, but for now I am happy with the fact that I am not stuck in a rut anymore. I can finally breathe again if only to be pushed back underwater until I need to force my way back to the surface again next time.