When it was simple

When it was simple

When it was simple

LTME postWe started our relationship in the most peculiar of ways, on a job this summer where we were getting paid to travel across the summer. It wasn’t real life, it was just as pretend as the Bachelor.. we should have known that we began in paradise and we should have ended there as well. For the past couple of days I have been going over and over in my head, when everything went wrong. I am trying my best to stop thinking about you and when I do think about you.. my mind drifts back to those summer months and I tend to ignore these past couple of weeks. I wish I could tell you how angry you made me, how rejected I felt. I wish I could ask how long you have had feelings for your ex, if they even went away at all… I wish you didn’t screw me over but you did.

I cannot wait until the day I wake up without a knot in the pit of my stomach and when hearing your name doesn’t bring me anger, sadness and regret. I am trying my best not to become bitter though, I am trying to keep my heart open and allow myself to one day love again. Right now it feels as though no one will come close to replacing you, that I’ll never be able to feel as connected to anyone else. Yet, I know that is not true. There will be other people and there is no rush to find one right now. I am young and free and secure enough to be by myself. I am independent and unlike you I don’t constantly need to be in a relationship.

Perhaps I wasn’t good enough for you, but you definitely weren’t good enough for me either. I made mistakes, I wasn’t perfect but unlike you I was blinded by my emotions. Carelessly forgiving your every mistake thinking that one day things would go back to the way they were in the summer, the way they were when I fist fell in love with you. But that was just wishful thinking and I am just a dreamer who dreamt too hard.. I placed you on a pedestal and I liked in a fantasy. I accepted way less than I deserved and with all my energy going into loving you… I was beginning to forget how to love myself.

I hate you and hate you a thousand times over and I feel like an idiot for being the one to get dumped. Do you think about me ever? I don’t think so, because you have her.. but a part of me hopes you do. I hope you realize that you didn’t break me. That you were indeed selfish and a coward but you didn’t break me.. because out of the time we spent together I hope you realized that I am my own person, with my own opinions and friends and that I will be perfectly okay without you in my life.

You told me countless times how my independence and spontaneity threatened you and just like you I imagine your ex is as dull as they come. I however am not and I know that staying with you would have dragged me down and for that, even though you caused me a lot of pain.. I am thankful for having you let me go.

Because it’s really going to suck now and it will probably suck next week and the week after that too. But one day I’m going to be free and I’ll be able to spread my wings and fly again because just as I met you by a stroke of independence and luck.. I know that I can do that again and again.

Goodbye my love, our communication was weak and it only makes sense that my final farewell to you would come in the form of something you would never read. But now it is time for me to say goodbye and to move on with my life.

Finishing this letter is tough because I know when it’s over I’ll have said my final farewell and I want to make sure everything is said and done… so here it goes..


1 Comment

  1. Susie 7 years ago

    Wow, what an amazing letter. I can really identify with how you feel.

    When someone who you thought loved you can cause you so much pain it’s the worst thing in the world.

    They don’t realise how they’ve crushed the very spirit that you thought they thought was perfect, and now you’re left wondering what is wrong with me?

    Like you said we all make mistakes.
    But I like the way you’ve titled this letter ‘what I wish I’d told you’.
    Because again sometimes there’s so much left unsaid in relationships, due to letting things go and thinking it will get better, love can be very blind, especially when you’re so devoted to that one person, all you can do is just keep trying and loving them more, even though they keep pushing you away.
    People can be cruel without even realising it, which is very sad for someone who understands what love means.

    You sound like an extremely strong person, who will be free again.

    Freed from her broken heart.
    Ready to take on the world.

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