I still remember.
I still remember everything I wish I could forget.
Your laugh, your smell, your arms around me.

I wish I could forget. I wish I could erase these memories. But all these good moments come rushing back. Strange how we never seem to remember the horrible things that made us leave in the first place – no we are constantly reminded of the wonderful memories.

I guess 5 years is a long time. Lots of memories were made and many hours were spent together. But Sweetheart why am I haunted by all the things I loved about you?

I remember that night, I know you will remember it too, the one where we drove endless hours listening to music and talking about nothing and everything. That night where in between all our fighting I truly saw the way you loved me.
Or that time on holiday when we danced (drunk out of our minds) but oh so in love not caring about anything but that moment.
I guess that is all I have now…moments.
Do you remember at the start of it all, that weekend we went away? Where we drove dirt bikes and were covered in dust afterwards. How ignorant were we, thinking that everything would be that simple? I guess we were just kids. Living in a fairytale.

Darling when did it turn into a nightmare? When was that moment when our dreams were shattered and reality hit us? When did that honeymoon sensation come to an end? You know, my love, from that moment on we were chasing the relationship we used to have. We were simply holding on to something that no longer existed where now, in retrospect, I see we should have simply let go.

How much easier would it have been to move on then? Where now, 7 months after I abandoned our 5 year relationship, I am still missing you. Still holding on to nothinghness. Still holding on to what we were – when we just started.

How does something so beautiful end up so broken? Was it me and you? Did we do this to ourselves? Was it reality? Baby, I wish I knew.

I wish I had answers for all the questions. I still live in a fantasy world where oneday, someday, we will be reunited. Laughing about our childish ways.

I honestly believed that might have happened. But then reality hit (as usual) and I heard about her (yes the one you so conveniently replaced me with) and the fact that you are back to your old ways. I wish reality wasn’t as cold and harsh and brutal as it is.

And more than anything, my love, I wish I could wake up to that boy I met 6 years ago – instead I wake up to this.