A letter to Jan Ray Teh

I don’t even know where to begin. Saying you’re the best thing that has happened to me. It years before everything went downhill. Downhill all because of me. Those years were wonderful and I’ve never had anyone make me feel the way you did. We were really young back then. I was fourteen when I first saw you and you were sixteen. They say when you’re at that age it was just puppy love. The time you pulled my hair and mistook me as my sister. I knew back then it was not puppy love but it was love at first sight. It was the time I felt my heart beat so fast and the world just stopped for a moment. The time you courted me I endure every feeling so you wouldn’t notice that I already fallen. By the time I accepted your feelings and made you my boyfriend. You made me feel wanted and happy, it’s so cliché but I truly felt like the only girl in the world when you would look at me with your eyes and glowing smile. I was scared that I would get hurt, because something so perfect could only exist in movies, when someone told me that you are courting someone I got hurt so bad because I have given you all my first time not because you’re my first. It’s because you are very important to me. I was so hurt that I seek comfort and ran away with someone so I began to push you away. I said we both could see that we were drifting apart and maybe it would be best if we saw other people.

I never thought those words, that one conversation would be the cause of my own heartbreak. It took less than a few years for me to realize I was wrong, but almost a few years to admit that to you. I knew I hurt you even though you denied it and my thought was that you hated me so I avoided confrontation. Finally bringing up that I was wrong, and regretted my words. it is one of the hardest things I’ve had to do but you came back to me and given us chance again but after few years again. It was the best time of my life because you have accepted me even though I had ran away with someone and just came back after parting ways with that person. But my cowardness came back to me I felt lonely and scared every time you will go away and go back after 6 months and you will just stay by my side for a few days or weeks and will go away again. There are scary thins would pop on my mind what if he wouldn’t go back. You made a promise back then when you go back again we will do it but you forgotten. I let that weakness get through me and hurt you again. At first you were accepting of my apology and you were willing to put it behind us. But I let that chance go away again because I was scared and ashamed of myself, so I push you away again. I didn’t know that it would hurt so much that I ended up confusing and regretting everything. Knowing that my stupid choice was the reason I lost you, I will use this as a lesson. A lesson to never run from something so great ever again. It’s only been a few years since I screwed up what I thought was the best thing going in my life. The part that hurts the most is I know I still love you and want only you. We were together for so many years. I cried every night wishing you were here I told you I don’t love you but I do. I want another chance but I know it would be impossible. You know that I’m a type of girl who run away easily when hurt, you knew that because that’s how I fell in love with you and you always look for me, you always gave you’re all, finding ways to make situation okay, I never would ever think about giving up on you. But over the past year or so my faith has wavered, I stopped thinking with my heart because I started to run away from it. I know that what I did was bad, I know that I hurt you and that you feel that you can’t forgive me, and that you can’t love me, you feel like we have reached the point of no return. But in all reality in life, there is no point that we can’t return from. I have gone through situations with you that I look back now and think you know we have each other through a lot and we have always been able to overcome it, we have always been able to bounce back from whatever it is that was causing friction between us. Not being with you is like being separated from a part of me. I been searching and searching for something anything anyone to fill that hole but somehow I always come up short, I always come up empty handed, I always come back feeling worst because I know who I need to fill this gaping hole in my chest. I’ve missed you every day since we broke up, I’ve tried to find ways to keep busy, tried to find people to keep me busy, but I feel empty, I don’t feel happy, I just feel like I’m forever searching for you in other people. I used to look for ways to feel close to you, I would speak to anyone and ask about you and how are you doing, But I made a mistake a very big mistake that I regret with my whole heart, even though everything didn’t go down the way it was told to you, but I was still in that position and that’s just as bad. But I’m sincerely sorry for it, I have no other way to express how sorry I am, because I’m the one who ruined everything just when our lives together where really starting to move along. I’m sorry that all those years ago I let myself be consumed with so much insecurity and so much pain that I would even think about doing something like what I did to you or to anyone for that matter. You just have to understand, I mean for me just try, but It had been years of tug a war between me and you, like that whole ordeal just ripped me apart, just made me look at myself different and made me look at you different from the beginning of our relationship to the black and white parts where we weren’t really together and to the middle. Just bare with me try to see it from my point of view. Sure in the beginning you chose to be with me first, but throughout that I was still playing tug o war because back then we were still young and shit but I still loved you. You gave me so many opportunities and I took them for granted and that is something I can’t change. It’s been a few years now and I think I’ve cried more than I have in years. We had something amazing and because of my actions it turned to something that you started to resent. That is something that will haunt me for a long time.

So I want to say Thank-you. Thank-you for treating me so wonderful, and showing me that good people really does exist in this world. I’m not angry at you I’m only angry with myself. I hope that one day when we meet again you can forgive me. Everyone deserves to see your bright smile; it was my favorite thing about you. I will wait until you can forgive me and hoping for another chance.