You see I’m trapped in my mind
And I’m going trippy
Oh I don’t think I’ll ever go
You see the walls are so high
That I couldn’t climb them
So I don’t know which way to roll
But I’m stuck in rewind
Oh I’m looking forward
Damn I wish I new what went wrong
All those things you said to me so long ago really fucked me up. I can’t bring myself to trust anyone even my own family.. Let alone friends. I don’t know why it’s had such a hold on me but at times it’s like I can’t breathe yet what pisses me off the most is I still feel I need you. Why? I couldn’t tell you maybe it’s cause how everything happened. I started to get to know you before I really started to love you. I’ve had a few relationships here and there but never actual love. With you I managed to experience real love in short order maybe I wasn’t prepared for it.. I don’t understand the reasons behind your decision to belittle and degrade me to the point of depression, I never even insulted you back just nodded in agreement cause I couldn’t bring myself to do it back.
I said some things about you to others because I was being poked and prodded like you were some prized trophy won. I’m so socially inept I can’t even see my own future, I constantly dream of you and it feels like a disease. I’m holding on to some tiny sliver of nothingness it seems. It could be I haven’t had anyone to talk to in so long I’ve forgot how to communicate, I only have one real escape and it’s sad it lies within a substance.. but when I smoke my mind relaxes and I can finally breathe and not listen to my thoughts. This isn’t an everyday thing but the occasional reminder will pop up. God forbid I see you in public.. Everything I’ve ever felt gets so intensified I can’t think and lock myself away for a few days. The last time I saw you I thought you were the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen. Whatever reminder decides to show itself lasts weeks and I honestly don’t know why.. I shouldn’t give two fucks about any of this but after all this fucking time I still care.
All those years ago it should’ve been me not my best friend and family with the brightest future anyone could see. I wish I was more like him.. I wish I had that opportunity to know how precious life really is. I still to this day do not know and understand why you let me back in just to destroy me. I will never forget that feeling of driving by that store.. How happy I was moments before. I had decided at that moment to never bother again and I don’t know why I am now. I don’t even know what I want to get out of this I just need to get this off my chest before I am crushed by it. I just want to move on I don’t know why I can’t. I feel so utterly hopeless and pathetic I just wait for time to pass me by. Truth be told I guess I wasn’t worthy.