I used to be able to write about you for hours. about how much i love you and how i’m always going to care about you. but i’ve found that my brain is empty when it comes to you. i’m not in love with you the way i used to be. but i’m always going to have so much love for you. you’re my person. usually when someone treats me like shit, i leave. i know my worth. but when it comes to you, i let you walk all over me. you could run me over and i would still use my last breath to tell you that i love you.
I know i shouldn’t love you but i just can’t help it. but i’m starting to learn that i deserve better than you. i deserve someone who loves me everyday, not just when they feel like it. although i’m so thankful for everything you’ve done for me, but fuck you. fuck everything you put me through. you taught me all the wrong ways to love. i was a completely different person before i met you.
I know i shouldn’t, but a small part of me hopes you’re coming back. you always come back. but this time i’m not sure you will. and thats what i’m scared of. i can’t lose you forever. we know each other too well to just forget the past three years. whenever i meet a new boy, i always look for the qualities that remind me of you. carlos was shy and awkward, jeremy was super funny and goofy, and paul was sweet like you. and if i don’t see you in them, i leave. i think thats why i cant find anyone. because none of them are exactly like you. and i know i should be finding someone new, but starting over with someone new sounds so scary. i’m scared that when i find someone new they are going to leave the way you left. they’re going to hurt me in ways i can’t imagine. they’re going to break me the way you did.
I want you to know that you’re always going to have a special place in my heart. i love you so much. enough to let you go. you’re better off without me. without my drama and toxicity. all i want for you is to be happy. i want you to find a love , that’s everything i couldn’t be. and i know that one day you will. we cant be together for so many reasons. but in the beginning, we didn’t need reasons to fall in love. we just did. you made me whole and you kept me together. i wish we could go back to before all the reasons. we were so happy. but we cant, and that’s ok.
I have learned so much from you. i have learned that loving someone sometimes isn’t enough reason to stay. i’ve learned that sometimes two people need to fall apart without each other to realize how much they need one another. i’ve learned that in the end, no matter how much you love someone, you have to put yourself first. it’s so weird to think of the people we used to be. we used to be so in love. we used to put each other over everything and everyone. we used to stare at each other in the eyes for hours. we cared about each other so much. i miss that. i miss when we had a chance to work out. but now i know we never will.
I used to think that we were going to get married because we would always find our way back to each other. but we both deserve better. we both deserve a love that treats us right. especially you. you fuck up a lot. but i know you never do it on purpose. i know you never meant to hurt me. i never really felt true happiness until i was in your arms. i never felt so safe and protected. thats the feelings i’m going to miss the most.
You broke me in ways you cannot imagine. i cried myself to sleep at night for months. i was scared to fall in love again for years because of you, and i still am. i’m always going to love you. love the way you get nervous to talk to me, love your crooked yet perfect smile. love your passion for baseball. love the way you hold me. love the way you stare into my eyes. you truly are my favorite person. i knew we were always meant to say goodbye. but i cherished and loved those 3 years with my whole heart. even the rough parts because they made us stronger and love each other more. i’m never going to love anybody the way i loved you. i’m sorry we couldn’t work, i truly am. i wish I could say goodbye and know that we would go back to each other, but this time i don’t think we will. so goodbye. thank you for putting up with my bullshit. thank you for being there for me when nobody else was. thank you for loving me with your whole heart. you mean more to me than you’ll ever know.
you’re my best friend. my person. i love you, toddy <3