R,

That last text message really fucked me up. So this is my way of gaining closure on our relationship. I really hope this works because I cannot keep leaving an open door on us because you have proven time and time again that it does not work and magically I end up broken.

First off: Fuck You. You took advantage of my love for you and exploited my feelings. That is almost unforgivable. What really is unforgivable is the fact that I miraculously got mono and you miraculously got back with A. I’m not stupid—so fuck you for doing that to me.

Second off: Thank you. You were very generous throughout our entire relationship and you treated me like a queen for the majority of it. I will never forget that and although you really hurt me, it does not cancel this out. Thank you.

To be blunt (which is my new thing), one of the things I can’t seem to get over is that when you knew you were leaving, you didn’t ask to see me. Your final days were with people you care about and I guess I assumed you cared enough about me to want to in person say goodbye. I guess those romantic/impulsive late night visits are over.

Your last month’s here were also spent with A. Literally for hours at a time you talked shit about her. But then you go and are with her! What the fuck is wrong with you. I can only imagine what you said about me. Can you guess what I’ve said about you?

I’m really glad that you have made the decision to leave though. Clearly this area was toxic for you and I hope Canada brings you the happiness and feelings of fulfillment you deserve. But I also hope karma slaps your face harder than I could have (but I would never do that because violence truly doesn’t solve anything and girls should never hit boys and boys should never hit girls).

This separation has really been hard on me because so many wonderful things have happened to me and it kills me because my first thought is always to share it with you. But I can’t anymore. Because I need to start protecting myself more—you created a need for that with me.

I’m really torn of where to go from here because I honestly believed we would make it because I thought you were my person and I was your person but you made sure to fuck that up. A part of me absolutely hates you for that because I absolutely adored you and yet I still wasn’t enough to satisfy you. Fuck you for making me feel that. I am an incredible and beautiful and kind and intelligent person and you made me second guess everything about myself.

I know it should have been us though—we were magic together; you brought out parts of me I kept hidden and you were my first love. We should have stayed together and when you were accepted to school in Canada, I should have been applying for college there myself. We would go to concerts every night and get coffee every morning. I would help all of the babies with special needs in Canada and you would have started a new band. Once a month we would have gone to hockey games and then we would start traveling to other places in the world. Our honeymoon would have been in Bali.

“Maybe things aren’t supposed to last though, maybe it makes them mean more that way”
“There is too much to lose in love. And tragically, 9 times out of 10, you’ll lose it”
“Your first love makes you bitter. And you second love makes that bitterness go away”
I am very bitter if you haven’t been able to tell.
“Humans live for the tragedies”
“Both of us knew you would leave eventually”
You hurt me too much for me to be able to come back.
“You [I] blamed yourself [myself] for someone else’s [your] lack of love”
“Even if I didn’t love you I’d miss you. You were here one second, gone the next”
|I wanted to say something: [this is basically what the entire letter is summed up in 100 words]|
|“I’m sorry,” or perhaps “fuck you.” I wanted to say, “I let you in and you abused that position| |of trust.” But no no no. I wanted to say, “kiss me please please, we can forget everything.” |
| |
|Or maybe, maybe I just wanted to say, “I forgive you. You’re not sorry but I still forgive you.|

MY GOD I WAS MADLY IN LOVE WITH YOU AND YOU WRECKED THAT. DO YOU GET THAT? I WANTED TO MARRY YOU AND YOU HURT ME IN THE WORST WAY. I STILL HURT FROM THIS AND NOW YOU’RE SOMEWHERE NEW AND ANYTIME I GO TO BASKIN ROBBINS OR END UP IN MISSION VIEJO I WANT TO THROW UP BECAUSE I MISS YOU SO FUCKING MUCH IT’S LIKE YOU DIED. WHY DID YOU LEAVE. FUCK YOU BECAUSE I STILL LOVE YOU.

I wish you well and I hope to keep in contact when major life events happen.