Over the past month, I have been doing a lot of thinking and I have come to the great realisation only too many times that I was at fault for the majority of the arguments which we had over the past 12 months and that I should have listened to you those times when you told me to carry on taking my antidepressants and my antipsychotics.
The reason I am writing you this letter is to admit that I was at fault for the break-up. We were arguing way too much and by the time I was taking action, it was too late. However, since the break-up, I have gotten used to taking my medication daily and I have been to three counselling session with another one coming after the Christmas break.
I guess the reason I was always so tense was because I stopped taking my meds roughly this time last year; that was because I was truly happy for the first time in years. But, I should have continued taking them, like you said. I’ve been reading through our Facebook messages and they were a real eye-opener because I realised how much of a monster I was and just how much you showed that you cared.
One thing that my counsellor has made me realise is just how inappropriately clingy I was by wanting to see you all the time. I guess it was because of trust issues developed as an effect of me being raped all those years ago. I obviously did trust you but I hated not being with you in person. As I said before, I know it’s only too late now but I realise that you were right by seeing each other every day just wouldn’t have been feasible. Sadly, in the end, it wasn’t.
Like I said at the start of the letter, I have realised and thought about a lot of things. Another of these things is that there is more to life than relationships. I guess I forgot about the importance of friends and work. I’m sorry for making the dickish move and getting jealous of your friendships and your social activities as often as I did. I guess instead of getting jealous, I should have been doing similar things with my friends. I realise this now as I have been more social than what I have been in such a long time as I’ve been dealing with the break-up. I know now that you were right and a relationship with an equal split between work, friends and partners is better than any form of prioritisation.
In short, I just wanted to say that I know now that what you wanted was fair, I was somewhat irrational for feeling as though there should have been some sort of prioritisation. University is far too intense for any of that, now I realise it. Also, I regret not listening to you when you said that I should have continued to take my meds and I learned that you were right the hard way.
I guess this letter is just me simply admitting how wrong I was and I have realised that by having space, time and forcing myself to go through the steps of self – improvement and change. I also admit that I regret my stupid actions and that you were right. You were right about me taking my meds and and that seeing a partner every day wouldn’t have been feasible. I’m sorry. I have also taught myself how to let things go more, no matter how much they annoy or hurt me.
Anyway, I’m not sure when you’ll read this or if you even will but if you do, thank you. It’ll show you’re still the decent and amazing guy who I met what now feels like forever ago. I hope you have a great Christmas time alone birthday, whatever you get up to. I hope you’re well.
P.S- I’m sorry for all the hurt that I caused before, during and after the break up.