Dear Love,

As 2016 and the new year approaches, many people start looking back at their year. The ups and downs, twists and turns, the obstacles they had to face and the ones they overcame, that is all part of human life. It may seem dramatic for me to write about my reflection of this year regarding our relationship but i think its helpful for me personally. 365 days can go by so fast and we are only here on this wonderful earth for only so many of those 365 day spans. And so much can happen in that amount of time. And, for me 2015’s 365 days were the biggest learning experience in my life thus far.

I remember when the clock struck midnight January 1st 2015, wow does that seem like yesterday to me. I knew where i was, what i was doing, and how happy i was to be with the girl who stole my heart just 3 months prior to that moment. I was so happy, but especially looking forward to what 2015 had to offer. Why? Because the girl i was with, i couldn’t help but think about what an amazing journey lied ahead of us. The laughs, the smiles, the memories, i was like a kid in a candy store, so excited i could hardly stand it. I was truly in love.

As i sit her today reflecting on 2015, having learned so much from the experiences i encountered on the journey from day 1 to day 343 with you. I learned what love truly is, the feeling you get when holding you was the most satisfying feeling i will ever feel in this world. I learned that love is a privilege and to never take it for granted. I learned how to respect your time and your space, by knowing when to help you, and when to give you a second to gather your thoughts and let you cool down. Because a simple little argument wasn’t worth ruining something so special in my mind. I learned how to put down my walls and trust someone and let them in, by showing you i cared about you more then anyone or anything in this world, i let you hold onto my heart. I learned how to live on my own, when you went to study abroad, a part of me left for 4 months. But, i found happiness in other hobbies, friends, family, myself. I was able to live my day to day life with you in the distant picture. I learned what a broken heart feels like, when you broke up with me telling me you didn’t feel the same about me, that something was different. I learned that, trust, honesty, faithfulness, and security are the foundation to any relationship. But most of all, i learned that i found the one girl that was the best thing that ever happened to me, and that i loved and cherished her with all my heart. It only took me the greatest loss i have ever encountered to realize how much i learned in 2015.

I meet this girl who rocked my world, made me smile every single day. One who i could finally act like myself around and she could around me and we would never judge one another, this is why i feel so in love with her. She challenged me to be a better person each and every day, and made me want to be a better person for her and myself. She made me realize that the most important thing in this world is love, and your relationships with others. She made me excited everyday to see her because no matter what happened during the day i knew seeing her would wash away all problems and crack a smile on my face. This girl was on my mind every single second. I had never felt like this about anyone before. I knew she was special and that she could be the one… and by the end i knew she was. I had completely fallen head over heels in love with this girl.

And i know that’s hard for you to believe, because you didn’t think i acted like i loved you or you thought i wasn’t thinking of you in your mind. Well you were the most special thing in the world to me, the trip to Italy on the beach in Postiano I told you this. When i say that i loved you it was an understandment, i was crazy about you, my eyes never wandered to anyone else. My mind never crossed the path to leave you. My heart was 100% in your hands, with you in any way imaginable. I was willing to do anything i could do to be the love of your life, like getting up at 10:30pm when it was -40 degrees out to get you ice cream because you were craving it. I showed you that you were mine. My love for you increased every single day even up to when you told me you didn’t trust me for some reason when you were abroad and that you didnt “know” if you loved me or not anymore. There wasn’t a moment during the day i didnt think about your beautiful blue eyes, or that gorgeous smile of yours. All i wanted was for you to be happy.

When i say that i want you to be happy, i mean it. That is all i have ever wanted, to make you feel like the most important and special person in the world. Which you deserve, and i am sorry in your mind i wasn’t able to accomplish that feeling within you. I learned us humans are used to thinking that no one can just move on from a lost love and genuinely want the other person to find happiness somewhere else in life if thats what it takes for them to be happy, but i do for you. It’s taken a while, a lot of heartache and tears, but even during the time you told me you didn’t feel the way i felt about you. I specifically told you all i want for you is happiness. You deserve to be with someone who makes you feel like the princess i think you are, feel good about yourself, confident, with whom you can be utterly yourself and not worry about losing them. When its right, its right, and after spending so long trying to chase after you and fit this jagged piece into a straight edged puzzle to be with me, you should now be able to just feel the ease of a good match with someone who makes you happy i guess? Insecurities will subside, and i will always wonder why yours dropped by. But, I hope that you find strength in yourself to realize the wonderful and beautiful person you really are, just like i always thought you were. The person who i fell in love with.

I do think about you still. I think about what you are doing, who you’ve become without me, what parts of your personality have risen to the top or almost faded away now that i am no longer a daily influence in your life. I am not trying to be selfish by centering all these questions around our relationship, it’s just how i knew you at your fullest and best in my mind. I just hope you are the happy young woman who i once knew and you are filled with smiles and laughs. I have learned that i no longer deserve to chase someone who i loved more than anything in this world if they don’t feel the same about me. The constant grieving period of your loss has passed, and leaves a scar for reminders. It’s now more a quiet sadness about the love i had never experienced before this year that has slowly disappeared from my life. we knew each other so well, and meant so much to each other. And now don’t speak at all. I’ve learned that those moments we lived together, traveling around Europe, climbing the mountains in California, watching cartoons, the wonderful date nights, movie nights, and moments when i had you wrapped up in my arms have passed and are now nothing but wonderful memories to me. I think that is such a shame because i would’ve loved to have so much more. I just don’t want you to think that you didn’t mean anything to me, because you will always hold a special place in my heart forever and always.

2015 had held my greatest memories, my greatest love, my greatest obstacles, my worst heartache, but through that window of ugliness we experienced at the end of our relationship i want you to know that there were still wonderful things to take out of our relationship, so much that i hope you learned, because i know i did. I hope that you can look back and see things about us that make you smile, that remind you how much fun we were, even if we weren’t “soul mates” in your mind. I hope you understand that i will always care for you, in a way one might a distant friend you’ve lost touch with, because i have poured my heart out to you, to be told “i dont know anymore”. But, i sincerely hope that you are well. I hope you are living life the way that you want to, and that is to be happy. And most of all have gained enough perspective to know that something doesn’t have to last forever to have a tremendous value to your life, just like you are to mine.

However, maybe this isn’t the end? Maybe it’s a stop in the road where the bridge is being built over the river? Maybe someday we will talk again, and maybe there is a miracle out there to lead me back to you? And maybe someday we will go grab a bite to eat and talk about the wonderful things you did on your time studying abroad, what you learned, or even the wonderful memories we shared, or the things that we talked about doing but didn’t get enough time to do. Though there were many negative thoughts torwards the end of our relationship to you, i just want you to know that being together with you was always a positive to me, and it always will be no matter how bad i hurt. And for that I thank you.

Love,

A Stranger