It pains me to write this, but I want you know, since it’s better to tell you now than never. I know you don’t like this, but please read it til the end.

I’ve always had pure intentions, and I still do. I wished I voiced my thoughts since the beginning, but it’s always been hard for me since I can never collect myself when the emotions are at it’s peak. You see, when I fell for you, I fell for you hard.

When you were really stressed out before the hiking trip and ECC, I wanted to be there for you. You had to dog sit, so I wanted to keep you company. You couldn’t find a house for the show, so I found you a house. You were stressed out about getting the right clothing for the hiking trip so I made sure we got that out of the way. The hiking sticks arrived the day before so I placed them with all the ECC bags and equipment. When we left at 5 in the morning, I only had a few hours of sleep so I forgot them (Thanks for saving the day and borrowing your mom’s sticks. I’m really sorry for breaking them.) When I realized the protein bars/snacks/etc were missing, I didn’t want to make it too much of a big commotion so I bought more when we stopped at the store. Tan actually found the protein bars/snacks/etc in the trunk because it was buried under all of the ECC equipment later on at Dirty Bird. We really tried looking for them.

It really hurt to see someone I cared so much more get so so angry at me.

When we hung out at Dirty Bird, you told me that it was because you were going through a lot and the outburst was due to the hormones from the Plan B. I understood this. I fell in love with you again. I really opened up to you. When you had a break down when Kevin called, I’m really sorry that I was angry at for it. The reason why I got angry is because what you said did hurt. I’m really sorry that I misunderstood you.

The biggest mistake that I’ve made is that I never resolved any ill feelings from that argument. I blocked that memory and continued on as if everything is fine. You resented me for that. This is when the arguments started flowing in. The calls stopped. You kept pushing me away.

For my birthday, I really wanted to hang out with you. But I felt as though I was bugging you the whole time. You were getting angry at me for wanting to meet up.

I just wanted to hang out this one week because I was really really stressed. You kept saying to stop asking about your plans for the weekend. When the weekend came, you said, “We’re too similar, so you’re not good at making plans so we can’t hang out.” I was really bummed out. That’s why I told you I was giving up and I that I was burnt out. When you decided to come last minute, you told everyone that you only came because I told you those words. It really hurts to hear that and further pushed me away.

I really wanted to plan something for your birthday, but the week before made me feel as if I did planned something, it would’ve been wasted efforts. You wanted your space so I tried to be understanding. When you came down here unexpectedly, I was really excited. I woke up early in the morning to get you gatorade and phone ordered sun flower delivery to my house. I wish I could’ve done more, but I didn’t have time to plan anything.

The most recent argument was when we were talking in the morning. You kept saying I was lying. It’s been happening a lot. After I while I was irritated of you telling me that I was lying all the time. I shouldn’t have sent you that website to prove my point. I was wrong for that, and I’m really sorry. I can be cranky in the morning, and even more when I’m sick. I’m not perfect.

I’m a really positive person and though you’ve said and done things that really hurts me, I always try to understand where you’re coming from. I never brought it up, because I knew it would lead to more arguments, and no one wants that. I never ever want to argue.. especially with someone I love so much. I felt as though I need to tread carefully everything time we talk since I might say something that might anger you. It might sound dumb, but recently, I was really scared of something you might not like, resulting you in yelling at me. That’s why I was afraid to call you at times. It wasn’t because I’m ignoring you.

These are the reasons I act the way I act. Not because I wanted to annoy you to get you angry… but because I loved you so much, but I keep getting hurt.

You’ve always been a positive influence on me. I’m a flawed individual, but who isn’t? You’ve taught me patience, love, and considerations of others. There has not one day where I don’t strive to be my best, and I owe that to you. And even if things don’t work out, I’ll still remember all the these positive traits that you encouraged me to better at, and I want to thank you for that. And if things does work out, and we ever get into more arguments, I want to make sure that we talk everything out, instead of letting all the resentment build up leading to us being on different pages.

I was really excited to spend Christmas, New Years, and even more excited to travel with you to Thailand. I really hope we can overcome this.