I owe you an apology. I didn’t know what I was doing with us, and I mean that in a few different contexts. I won’t be so quick to say I have it all figured out, but I will say that it works for now.
I had the wrong idea about relationships, and I think I ended up using them as a means of validation. Seeing that made me consider my motivations behind interactions with others. I don’t want to repeat that mistake. I’m more careful to watch what I say and how I say it, and to follow up on any kind of promise. Things withered through my waiting.
I played a victim of sorts – the perpetual victim to be. Instead of letting things play out as they would and dealing with issues on the fly, I stagnated at the most blissful point and tried to freeze things so they’d never change while prognosticating the whole thing’s eventual collapse. I credit you with my figuring that out. I think you found a way to put similar ugly behavior in my focus – eventually it dawned on me that I was doing the same thing as people I didn’t like. It helped to raise my personal behavioral standards, and hold myself more personally responsible in many different aspects of life. Along with understanding my motivations for doing different things, that contributed most to help shape my current state of mind.
I’m much happier with the state of my life now that I’m back on my feet and doing what I need to – with a much clearer head as well. My “place in the race” isn’t the crippling obsession it was when you knew me.
I still think of you a good portion of the time, and have been dreaming about you a lot the last few months. Again, I owe you an apology. For all the dumb shit I said and did, and to say that you were right. I’m not upset anymore. I was dumb, and that was fucked up, but I learned for once. I dunno – I’m at peace with things; I hope you are too.
I would think you’re indifferent at best, livid at worst, and i can accept either or anything in between. I mostly just wanted to say you were right, and let you know I learned from my mistakes.