Dear S***e (I censored every name in this letter for privacy),

I debated whether or not to send you this letter through mail but I’d rather leave you seeing it to chance… the very slight chance you’d actually end up on this site to see it. I guess this is more for me than it is for you. You seem like you’re happy and honestly I don’t want a letter or me interfering with your life to jeopardize that. Seeing as how it’s the new year I guess I wanted to get a few things off my chest before I continue on with my life as I have been for the last few months.

First thing is first is that I miss you. I’m currently sitting at Subculture coffee sipping on a decaf coffee with cream and sugar (like I always get), and truth is I’ve been coming back here and to Clematis quite often. I do the walk like we always do down to the intercostal and I’ll have you know that it’s a thing I intend to keep doing for a long time and I totally claim it ;). Sorry but no take backs. That doesn’t mean I don’t think of all the times I used to walk down the sidewalk making fun of the names of the shops holding hands and eating dark chocolate with sea salt. That doesn’t mean I forgot about how we did that very walk on my graduation night and for the first time in months I felt that spark like I did the first time I met you. I still remember everything as if it was yesterday.

I remember every outing, every restaurant, every kiss, every minuscule and minute detail so vividly its like a projector player is playing it all back perfectly in my head. I guess I can say I wasn’t very honest with you the last time we texted. Truth is I think about you on an almost daily basis. I still hold on to all the artifacts of our relationship and friendship. I still visit old places we used to go and I still remember all of our inside jokes and things we used to say and have fun with. I still feel a little tear in my heart every time I step into a mobil or I vape on a cherry blu cig. I still can’t get myself to watch 50 shades of grey again. It’s such a stupid, cheesy movie, but it became our thing and I still remember the way we used to pretend to be Mr. Grey and Anastasia. I still remember how after watching the movie we went to the golf course next to your neighborhood and we walked around your clubhouse talking about relationships and love, and while you were still cynical because of being previously heartbroken I was there all in love and naive telling you love is worth fighting for. I remember how we walked through the little tunnel that leads to the courses and you were cold so you came and wrapped your arms around my side and it was the greatest feeling in the world. I remember how we sat beside my car and looked at the stars and we just talked about life and everything we had gone through for the past few months and how we became stronger and better people. I still remember the outfit you wore that night. You were in a cute dress with a light jacket and flats and you purposely dressed to look more mature as you were too young for the movie. I still think about how beautiful you looked that night to this day. I remember feeling you cuddle beside me while were looking at the stars and I was trying to savor every minute I had with you and before we left you asked what time it was and I grew the stones to say “It’s time for me to kiss you”. I remember all the times you would steal the aux cord to play your music and you would do that cute little thing where you would dance and sing along and it was so adorable that even when the music was unbearable I went along with it just so I could watch you. I still listen to front porch step and all the little acoustic indie bands you got me into. In fact I actually got really into those genres. I’m really into indie and folk music now. I listen to it on car rides and whenever I read my books (yeah that’s right I read now LOL). I still remember prom, how amazing we looked, and how honored I was to have you by my side. I remember how happy I was to ditch the afterparty and go to the beach with you. I still remember how we shared our first kiss on the 23rd of December on that same beach. I still remember spring break and how for the first time ever you genuinely had feelings for me. You ended up doubting them for a while afterwards but it was the spark that ultimately led to our relationship. I still remembered how you played guitar and sang for me on October of 2014 when I was feeling like a total wreck and you were so cute I melted and put a big grin on my face. God S***e.. I remember everything and I don’t know if it’s good or bad that I remember everything as vividly as I do but I get the impression these memories are going to be in my head for a long time.

I guess that’s the thing that hurts the most. It’s a cruel irony how I think about you and our memories all the time and you probably barely feel anything towards me or think about me anymore. I shouldn’t expect you to. After all, we went our separate ways and you are with J** now. But it still hurts to know that while you’re going to be someone I remember forever and talk about with my future kids, you probably don’t and won’t think about me or remember what we had. What hurts to know is these feelings of heartbreak and loss were the very things you were probably feeling towards Cl****n while I was still going after you and while we were together. I know this because while I was with Michelle I always thought about you and compared her to you and our relationship. She didn’t stand a chance and I totally wasn’t over you. I guess I finally understand the pain you felt over Cl****n. I went through lots of incredible heartbreak over watching Cl****n be your first love and having my love for you be totally unrequited. I went through terrible heartbreak facing the possibility of never getting to be with you and have you love me back. But nothing prepared me for the heartbreak of actually losing you. This is truly the toughest form of heartbreak I ever had to face and it gets better day by day but it still hurts. It’s more than the relationship I’m grieving; it’s simply the fact that you’re no longer in my life and that I might never get to see or speak to you again. I’ll never get to see your incredible blue and hazel eyes, feel your hugs, hear your laugh, see your absolutely stunningly beautiful and cute face staring back at mine, I’ll never get to talk to you and see how your day is going, I’ll never get to teach you how to drive and let you drive the bug pig, I’ll never get to see what hair color you decided to dye your hair, I’ll never get to take you on the cute dates and trips I had planned, I’ll never get to watch American Horror Story and the new season that just came out with you, I’ll never get to make more memories with you, and I saved a text I sent to you promising you I’ll never let us become strangers and it breaks my heart to know I’ll never get to continue fulfilling that promise as naive and unrealistic it was to believe in it. I learned the valuable lesson that no matter how much you love someone it doesn’t guarantee they’ll stay in your life forever as much as you might like them to. But the thing that hurts the most is I was too much of a coward to hear the things I needed to hear to get proper closure. You dated J** the week we decided to give things another chance and I didn’t want to face the possibility of you telling me you were never in love with me, that I was a rebound, or that your feelings for me were gone. I rushed to leave things on good terms without getting into the nitty gritty details I needed to find proper closure, and in the end I take responsibility for that. I at least know that you did love and care for me regardless of your romantic feelings towards me and I can walk away knowing that. Anyhow, my next paragraph contains a lot of harsh truths I have to tell you about our relationship and why I acted in some of the ways that I did.

Truth is S***e, by the time we finally got together I fell out of love with you. I should’ve gave you space to process your breakup and maybe we could’ve had the healthy relationship I actually wanted to have with you, but I was impatient and in love and all I saw was that you were single again and I felt if I could prove myself worthy enough that I could get to be with you. I didn’t understand how love worked after ending a relationship, and I didn’t understand the emotional torment you were going through. I didn’t understand why you told me you wanted to avoid commitment and relationships, and as you’d reject my advances, and break my heart, it tore me apart. I should’ve let you have the space you needed to process and grow, but the idea of you rebounding with other guys and being sexual with them absolutely killed me. I rushed to have you feel for me the way I did for you, and “stake my claim” on you. I wanted us to be together, but I didn’t realize that my tactics only put pressure on you in a time where you needed to pick up the pieces. I guess I can say I was selfish. I resented you for dating Cl****n instead of me and I victimized myself for it. Truth is it was never about choosing. By the time I met you, you already had strong feelings for Cl****n, and I know after developing those feelings for you that there’s no going back from those kind of feelings. Dating Cl****n was an inevitability from the first moment I met you. But regardless, all this wisdom I had to develop overtime. So my point in saying that I fell out of love with you is that after all the emotional torment we put ourselves through, I no longer idealized our relationship the way I did when I was balls deep in love. We had gone through so much and my feelings weren’t the same at that point. When we started dating, I took you for granted. I’d feel less of a desire to talk to you, text you, hang out with you, and I started to question our relationship and my feelings for you on a daily basis. Our relationship became a great source of anxiety. I developed a lot of insecurities about your feelings towards me, which was especially worsened when you cheated on me. I thought you’d never fall in love with me or that I’d always be in the shadow of Cl****n. Since a relationship doesn’t have an explicit “end date”, we theoretically could’ve stayed together forever, and I no longer thought that could be possible. I guess our thoughts were mirrored because we broke up twice and were on and off all summer. All this was amplified once college started and the distance between us grew larger. Classes and priorities prevented me from seeing you in all the ways I wanted to, and once I rushed a fraternity, that basically sealed our fate. On top of that we did have our differences especially in our goals and aspirations in life and that also pushed us apart. I could go on and on forever but I can ultimately say that all in all we just weren’t meant for one another as much as it breaks my heart to admit.

Anyhow on to apologies. I’m sorry for everything I did to hurt you emotionally while we were in each other’s lives. I said and did some nasty stuff and not everything between us was perfect. A lot of it I couldn’t help, and for a while I had to develop some emotional maturity when it came to handling anger and frustration. I’m sorry for putting you through the shit that I did with you and Nicolette. I started developing feelings for her but I also had them for you and I didn’t know how to handle that kind of situation. I led you both on in an effort to make up my mind which is the No. 1 thing you don’t do in those situations. I lied to you both, and I went behind your backs. Interesting thing is those few weeks you started to develop the strongest feelings you ever had for me, and my actions seriously broke your heart. Even after I chose to stay with you, I knew that mess was the last of a myriad of mess ups over a two year period. You ended up meeting J** and you two hit it off but most of all you two had the clean slate you needed to really develop feelings and fall in love. We were already so defensive with each other and there was no turning back from that.

But now that all of this is said and done, I’d like to inform you that I’m overall doing very well. I’m on a great diet, exercising, staying in good shape, making a lot of friends, and the college experience while imperfect hasn’t been too bad. It’s way better than high school and you have a lot to look forward to let me tell you. I do intend to be in a relationship again but not until I’m ready. Right now I’m focusing on myself and making myself the best person I can possibly be physically and mentally. Like attracts like, and the healthiest relationships come to those who learn to love themselves first. You have many great qualities I hope to find in the next girl I’m with, and I can’t wait to find that right person. It’s worth the wait. You were the first person I’ve ever fell in love with, and one of the first people I’ve let myself get that attached to, but I can’t say you were my first love. I hope to meet a girl who looks at me with the same fire and passion in her eyes as I feel towards her, and have our feelings towards one another be totally reciprocated without a single doubt. There’s a whole level of feelings and relationships I haven’t reached and I can’t wait to experience that. I see you and J** have a great thing going, and I’m glad he can give you the love and attention in all the ways I couldn’t. I hope you stay happy for a long time and I wish you two the best.

Now that all of that is said and done, I just want to thank you for being in my life. I wouldn’t be the man I am today if it wasn’t for you.. hell maybe I wouldn’t even be alive. When I was going through a severe depression, falling in love with you was a reminder of how beautiful and incredible this world and this life can be and gave me the inspiration to change my life for the better. I matured so much and learned so many lessons from our time together and I made so many incredible memories I’ll never forget. I hope your time with me has done the same for you and I think it has. I just hope you also learn to find love and happiness in yourself and you don’t have to go through more heartbreak to get there. Remember that everything happens for a reason, and there’s a lesson to learn from every experience in life both good and bad. Anyhow this letter is several thousand words and I think I’ve rambled on enough. Just know that I intend to forever fulfill my promise because you’ll never be a stranger to me and I’ll always love and care about you. If you ever call, text, or reach out to me in the future, I will answer. Who knows? Maybe fate will have us meet again one day. If so, then I look forward to seeing what people we’ve become. Goodbye S***e. Have an incredible and fulfilling life and I wish you the best.

Love,

Andru