To my recent ex,

I’m not sure where to begin or how to finish.

You left so suddenly, and silently. There was an unspeakable sadness present.
During our last fights, there was so many things over spoken yet so many things never said.
My words were empty, my mind remained in a state of blank whilst it screamed in agony.
I watched your precious existence diminish as you walked out the door.
You took our memories, existence and years of history with you.
The atmosphere grew heavy with negativity, as if a storm had began.
Each step past me, was like bolts of thunder striking me to the depths of my soul.
To the very core of my demeaning existence, I felt shattered and broken in every way a human could possibly feel.
The few minutes that we shared, were our last. I acknowledged your existence, but I had no longer felt your presence.
This was goodbye.

To cope with your absence, I have been getting drunk off the taste of tears and vodka.
Instant anger, jealousy, uncontrollable sorrow and misery seep through my walls and corner me.
Late midnight hours are the loneliest, even in the drunkest state of mind I remember the warmth of your skin and the sound of your calming voice. And now I am left with photos of you, I used to believe if I took enough photos I could keep that person, now I am only reminded of how much I have lost.
I cry tears that stream down my cheeks of rivers for you, yet not one drop shall ever reach you.
I scream into my pillow and weep till my heart overflows heavy with unbearable pain,
I scream into my pillow till I am too exhausted to breathe and my pillow is saturated with tears. Subsequently with futile and meaningless outcome.

I reminisce and remain nostalgic, overwhelmed and melancholic about every past event, bittersweet memory and I constantly replay every possibility of our non existent future that officially lies ahead.
I remember when we were 16, young, naive, curious. You stood by my side and hand in hand we both went on a journey exploring sexual experiences, initial intimacy and maturity. As the next 3 years progressed on.. our responsibilities heightened, our priorities and individual transitions took place.
Sometimes, I had thought that we had become familiar strangers separated by time..but that was my own insecurity and self doubt. You persevered and proved otherwise.

the thought of another woman touching you and creating intimate moments with you makes my heart empty.
the night of that occurrence, no amount of alcohol or tears will help me through that night.
the night you place your lips or create a dalliance with another, I shall weep a flood of tears and pray to feel no more.
the night you truly let us go, is the time I will also let you go.

I am content, loving you silently.
I appreciate the memories we’ve created.
I will always love you,

Your leaving feels like a silent death, living this current life feels like a horrific nightmare, I’m constantly in anxiety and tragedy when do I wake up?
when does black and white become colorful and vibrant again?

my belief is that sometimes people come into your life for a reason, they learn, grow and create experiences with you..until the relationship no longer has a purpose to move forward or be beneficial to either one of you. Like Soulmates that leave when their job is done, and after the pain is gone. You realize the lessons learned, move forward and go your own separate ways.

Goodbye J.B.B

I love you sincerely.