You know, Steve, I thought I had so much to say to you. Especially since we didn’t really talk about it this time. I’m not proud of cutting you off, but you never understood, no matter how I tried to explain elementary things that are normally a given if you do love someone. But you always struggled to even say it, which must have been a huge sign. Yes, some people are not very articulate when it comes to expressing emotions and feelings, but they show it in other ways. With you… well, I never heard what I needed to hear, but more importantly, you never did anything. You said actions speak louder than words. Let’s conduct an inventory:
1 year together
Times you left because weren’t ready/got scared/were too set in your bachelor ways/been single for so long/I was giving you so much pressure and bullshit – lost count, but at least 4
Every time you came back, you literally weaselled your way back in with false pretences. Honesty is not your policy.
Times we have actually seen each other in person in the last 6 months – less then 10. You live 15 minutes away from my place. Who is that busy? Who is that busy not to drop a line in days, even if just say hey, miss you?
You friends that I’ve met – zero. Family members- zero. I doubt they even know about my existence. But you had no qualms about going to meet my parents and spending two weeks in my home country (at my expense naturally). Am I crazy or something does not add up here? I understand, you had a blast, visited the country you probably would never be able to go to, see some amazing places, meeting a family who treated you as one of their own from the get go.
Makes me sick even writing all this. So petty and stupid. I offered you love, care, sharing this beautiful life together. Where I saw freedom, you saw prison.
You tried to keep me as a placeholder, someone to be there, just in case, while you explore other options.
And all the ‘I’m not ready’, ‘I’m afraid’… it’s pure cowardice. You did tell me a couple of times that you loved me, but not that much and that you loved me but was not in love with me (what does that even mean?!). And then changed the story again and again. I call you a coward because you kept and still keep twisting your truth and weaseling. Never could come up with anything in the open, just straight and to the point, no. Coward and a liar.
And I don’t know what it all means. Probably that this time was the last one. I hope so.
2 Comments
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I’ve been dealt with a near identical situation. You are not alone. Thank you for expressing your state so eloquently. Never lose your capacity to feel and love. Someone will recognize and appreciate it. I’m a fricken stranger and I already do.
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Thank you for your response and kind words, moved me a lot. I am sorry to hear that you went through a similar experience. There is so much heartache out there, but what really breaks my heart is that so much of it could have been avoided if only people weren’t playing games with each other and just been honest, with themselves most importantly. This is not coming from a high and mighty place, I just can’t help feeling so.. I don’t know, helpless? When you think, there must be more to it than this shallowness. And there must be, but all your experiences prove you otherwise. Anyway, I do hope these kind of experiences will be left in the past for you as well, as my beloved Kerouac said, “something good will come out of all things yet, and it will be golden and eternal just like that”. Even if it doesn’t, at least we gave it a shot.
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