Where do I start? Where do I begin? I don’t even know where everything went so wrong. It’s like we were living a fairytale and before i knew it i found myself in a nightmare. The worst part is I thought once we were over so would the nightmare be – i was oh so terribly wrong.
It is like my brain is trying to kill me piece by piece. Some days i feel absolutely fine. And others i want to die.
It started out great; i thought life without you would be great, i thought my heart knew that we werent meant to be together, but within a few months i started to miss you, i started to wish we could be together again. And then i heard about her and it just completely crushed me. It hit me from left field. I could not believe it – i honestly dont think i can understand it, even today. I was completely convinced you would never forget me, you would never move on. And there you went and moved on before i had even let go of you.
We had 5 years together and i know, yes i know, by the end we hated one another. I know you used to love me. But it hurts too much to know that you don’t anymore, and i can’t stop thinking about you.
These memories are haunting me, my brain keeps reminding me of how great we used to be, conveniently forgetting how we used to fight and scream and wish we could get out of the misery. And here i am 1 year later still miserable, without you.
Baby. I bet she calls you that now. I’m dying slowly from the inside out and nobody is hearing me scream. And you don’t care – anymore. It kills me, it physically kills me to know you love her now and that i never cross your mind.
It hurts so much to remeber all the promises that will never come to pass. It hurts so much to remember how we used to be once upon a time. It hurts to remember how much you said you loved me only to realize you don’t anymore. It hurts, it just hurts….
So what i truly wish, with all my heart is that i had listened. I wish i had listened when they told me not to fall in love too young. I wish i had listened when they told me to save my heart. I wish i knew then what i know now. I wish my heart was still mine. I wish i hadn’t given my heart away a long long time. I wish my heart didn’t belong to someone who has a new heart in their hands.
Oh how i wish, i keep on wishing that none of this was true. I keep on wishing that i had never fallen in love with you. I keep on wishing my true love loved me too.
I hope one day this lingering pain will disappear and that my heart will once again be mine to give away; but most of all i hope next time i save my heart for the one who will never let it drop to the floor.
I hope you’re happy with her. I’ll always be thinking of you
2 Comments
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This letter reminded me of how I felt for the longest time after I broke up with my ex that cheated on me. I used to regret having even loved him, but after talking with my friends at the time, one of my friends told me something. She said, “Love was the greatest gift that you could have ever given him, but he didn’t respect that gift with the value that he should have.” Her words made me rethink everything, and for months after, when I struggled with heartbreak, I was finally able to accept that loving was not a mistake. Even loving someone who didn’t turn out to be the person I thought he was.
For the longest time, I had this idea of a fairy tale romance locked in my mind. But life isn’t really that way. Neither is love. And people are not going to be the perfect person you have pictured in your mind.
It’s difficult to move on. One of my best friends actually talked to me sternly after I had struggled with keeping tabs on my ex a month after the breakup. She told me to block him and to not have any contact with his friends or family. And so I did. And I even shredded old love letters from him, deleted photos of us, or him, on my social media, and donated old gifts that he had once given me. All of this eventually helped out a great deal.
I also used letter writing, kind of like daily journal entries, whenever I felt extremely sad, or felt like I would break the no contact. Sometimes the letters were to my ex just getting out my feelings, and other times I wrote to myself about my feelings, trying to understand things better, writing words of encouragement, or goals. These were letters I never sent, but they helped immensely.
It took me a long time to see that the anger, sadness, and betrayal I had felt back then, I clung to the most for the longest time. I was scared of being alone, I was scared of no one ever loving me again, and I was scared of not being good enough. But I realized, what I was afraid of the most, was no longer having something to hold onto. To have to stand on my own two feet without that love. And then I realized, that love was not really lost. Love would always be there.
Love is the care that your family and friends have for you, love is the passion you have for the hobbies that you do, or all of the hard work you put into getting something done. Love is learning to accept yourself the way you are. To not compare yourself to others. To know that even if someone treated you badly, it is not a reflection of your self worth, or you, it is a reflection of who they are.
One day, I hope your heartbreak will no longer linger, and that you will find your happiness again, and love.
With best wishes,
Anon
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I feel the same way 🙁
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