dear c.m.,
i’ve learnt to forgive and forget. it doesn’t mean it didn’t hurt one bit. but i didn’t think it’s wrong to have loved you. it’s a lesson learnt. it’s a chapter written. it meant that we weren’t meant to be together. it meant that we weren’t the right one. it meant someone is still out there waiting for us.
you were my first love. yes, admittedly you were. and im almost positive that i was yours too. i wont deny the fact that we were in love, because i know that we were. things were so good at first, so good. we were happy, we were so madly in love. i would’ve never though looking back 7 months from now that we would be where we were.
but around november things got bad. yes, im not going to lie. but i felt the love drifting. you let another girl get in the way of our relationship and you were completely fine with it. i was not fine with it. you were controlling of me and didnt let me do a damn thing but it was okay for you to talk to the girl you used to have a crush on for 2 years. if you loved me like you said you did you would NOT have done that. that was your first mistake.
your second mistake was making me believe that you cared about me in the last month of us being together. you did not love me. you did not care. you showed no signs of any of that and im supposed to believe that?
your third mistake was guilt-tripping me into staying with you. if i wanted to leave then you should have let me leave. it shows i didnt feel anything anymore. but you made me stay. you wouldnt let me leave.
your fourth and final mistake was not fighting for me. you didnt fight for me and our relationship, while i was putting my all into it. i tried so hard to figure things out but you didnt put any efforts in, so why should i?
and on january 25th, the day after our 10 month anniversary. we were done. it has been 3 months and 1 day since we broke up, and just a few weeks ago i moved on from you and our relationship.
the last month or two of us i was put through nothing but sadness. i was not happy with you at all. and as much as i dont want to admit it, i had somebody else show me what i deserve, show me that i wasnt being treated right. and yes, i caught feelings for him very quickly.
he showed me what true love is and how i should be treated, but you didnt. you controlled me like a slave and didn’t let me do anything. in the 300 or so days we were together, i did not sleep over at any friend’s house ONCE. you barely wanted me to stay at my own damn aunt’s house. you didnt like me going on runs around my block or going down to the store to pick up a notebook. you wanted me to stay locked in my house, sheltered away from everything. the mental abuse that i was put through with you is appalling and i cant believe i let myself suffer like that.
after we broke up i still loved you. yes. i ended it. but i still did love you, and i cant hide that. you saved me from the demons inside of my head and if it wasnt for you i dont know where i would be right now. you saved me in ways more than one and thank you for that. it means more than you know. we arent on good terms anymore and probably never will be, but you will always keep a special place in my heart.
but besides that, everything about our relationship was so damn unhealthy that its unthinkable to evem acknowledge. we were both miserable at the end of our relationship and i put both of us out of the misery at the end.
i know that you still arent over me and thats okay. but as for you, im doing fine without you. im the happiest i have ever been now. releasing myself from you made me feel so free. i am finally free. i can be who i want and be friends with who i want now. i’m finally finding myself in this world.
thank you for loving me and thank you for caring. thank you for giving me the opportunity to leave to find better things. thank you for hurting me. for if you didnt, i wouldn’t have learned something valuable. thank you for showing me that nothing lasts forever and to be appreciative of what you have before its too late. because i think i showed you that too. thank you for setting me free. i’m discovering myself as a woman in this huge world all to the thanks of you.
i’d not be me if it werent for you.